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Deteriorating Disorder IV
Apr. 17th, 2008 | 10:43 am
I puked everywhere. In the sink, in the toilet and part of it on the floor.I felt so weak that I could not walk or take a step. "Max?" Karen's voice rang behind the door. She slowly opened the door. I was clinging to the toilet bowl while my head resting on the toilet seat. She gently touched my shoulders and I almost jumped. She looked worried. She was concern. That was gratifying. She made me feel so alive and that, I had to keep my mouth shut. "Are you alright?" she asked. I nodded. She started looking around the bathroom and hell yeah, it was pretty much embarassing. I started feeling oozy and dark. Then all of a sudden,
blackout.
"Where are you going?" My mum asked me as she looked at her time. It was eleven in the morning. Fuck Matt, he always needs to get his appointment damn early. Maybe he needs to get some mojos by that idiot lard arse. He always does that. He likes to shoot it up. "Matts' pad.." I said. She paused for a moment staring suspiciously over to me. "Is Matt your schoolmate?" I sighed and said, "No mom, he's my bandmate.." I rolled my eyes. No matter how many times I had to tell her, she still is forgetful.
I walked nine blocks on the way to Matt's house. I skipped breakfast that morning, telling mom that Matt's mom is making us breakfast. I lied. It is just so hard to lie. To get it exactly what you wanted. I feel broken every time I had to lie to mum and telling myself that her food taste bad and stuffs like I had group projects when I am actually at Matt's . It is just crazy since Greg came in. He's like a whole block that does not want to budge. He always interferes. And mom had to choose him of all other guys. I bend my head and shove my hands into my jacket pocket. I was just pissed. East Yorkers are totally fucked up. There's druggies everywhere, each time, you will see someone running around getting stoned or maybe it is you. You would not know what happened next. That is the secret about the insight of East York.
I rang the doorbell. Unlike everyone's house, Matt's was a little over the top. It was too edgy or perhaps too drastic. First, it had a huge balcony on the top. It looks too square-ish and then there was the windows. The sun catchers all tinted in black with copper sill. There were also two huge chrome stallion statues on either sides of the door. So huge. The door itself looked so small. I knew his parents wanted to get the whole Italian concept but it is just not working. "Hello?" The intercom buzzed. "Yeah, I'm here to see Matt.." I said. I circled the porch nervously. I wonder what is that guy Matt was talking about, really made of. The door open and it was his mom. "Oh hi, Max!" She grabbed me and hugged me. What she did not know was that her breasts were as hard as steel and my chests really hurts. Too much silicon perhaps. I smiled a little as a sign of relieve. God knows, she could actually suffocate me.
The interior was cool. It was more of the Zen attitude. Black here and then brown there and then moss green everywhere. "Where's Matt?" I asked his mom while looking up at the huge statues of the Buddhas hanging around. "Oh he's downstairs, in the basement.." She winced. His mom hated noise so she told Matt that he could play only in one condition. Drums are downstairs in the basement. "So would you like to join me in my meditation?" She asked as she smoked her cigarette. "Er-no thanks." I said. Meditation with Matt's mum is a no-no for me. And it is BIG. So and so, I went down to the basement. It was dark and cold and cool. Unlike any other basements, Matt's was super cool. It had glass spiral staircases leading towards the end and also a small disco-tech headlight situated on the floor. It was those big boxes-like. Then, he had a huge amplifier and also stereos. I reached the end and the room was dimmed with green, red ,blue and yellow lights flashing across the room which lighted the glass staircases. "Hey Matt.." I said as I reached the bottom of the stairs. "MAX!" He jumped around and put his arms around me. " Meet Jules." I looked forward and saw a skinny boy with green highlights over his super-jagged black hair standing in front of me. He must be around his teens because he looked pretty young. I half smiled. "He's the one I was talking about.." Matt shook me. I did not now why but I was feeling slightly dizzy and I felt a little dreamy. "Yeah.."
I rubbed my temples. "Yo, wassup' Maxie?" Matt asked. "Nothing...So what do you play?" I asked changing the subject. "Bass." He answered in a really hoarse voice. "So do you sing?" I asked searching my pocket for a stick. "Nah.." He answered casually as he flopped onto the couch. I stared deeply into him. He had transparent green eyes and a snakebite. "Hey you guys wanna fire up?" Matt asks as he headed to the corner getting his backpack. "Yeah.." Jules said. I rolled my eyes and headed towards Matt. "Matt, since when did you knew him?" I asked. "Since last Thursday.." He said. "And where did you get him?" I asked him again. "Nah downtown digging up trash. You know, stealing beers smoking bananos." I raised my eyebrows. "What if he's a trash kid or something?" Matt shrugged. "He's a good kid, he's my boy.." He said as he lighted his bomb sticks.
"Okay,. so what if he plays bass and you play drums and I play the guitar, who's singing?" I asked exhaling the smoke from my throat. Matt thought for a long time. "God that is soo good." He finally said and dropped to the nearest beanie sack and started smoking his stick. I rolled my eyes. "So you sing?" I asked Jules. "No." He said looking at Matt screwing up. Jules stomped his Dr.Martens onto the ground and heaved himself up. "I know someone.." He said to me while coughing the smoke out and his eyes starting to turn red. "Who's that?" I asked. "My mate perhaps.." He shrugged and so started stumbling to get his foot right. "Is he good?" I ask. "Manage to rock the fuck outta' me..So maybe he's okay.." Jules replied and finally collapse on the couch again. I sighed deeply. Fuck. "I brought my bass.." He said to me. His dark-rimmed eyes filled with eyeliners. He got up while pulling his petite skinny jeans which flashed his black boxer briefs. He took his bass which was metallic and held it. It was a Vox. Then he started plugging all the wires into the switches and strum it with his little plucker. Matt got up in a sudden. "Fuck you Jules, you dog." Jules smiled at him, "Geez..what an urchin.." He said. Then he started playing a tune by some band called 'Reject the dead' something like that. Truth is that he was quite good but I daresay, I would not be so frank with him. His tune was so carefully played like he would not want to miss out on a single one. He was making music his own soul. And that could be the reason why he was playing so good. He does it for himself. "Goddamn. I need a break.." He said. He laid on the sofa stretching out his arms. He was death skinny. He looked frail too. He only wears eyeliners and shades to cover his paleness. Then he started getting high by those bombs and started to amp around. I rolled my eyes once more and pitched my cigarette. Then I got upstairs to get some fresh air.
I felt sick during that time. I felt like throwing up. My stomach was starting to burn and my lips are all cracked due to smoking tabacco. I headed to the kitchen to get a glass of water. I sip it but I spit it out. The water burned my lips and my throat. I think I am dehydrate of something. Nothing burns so bad. Then the worst part came. I felt nauseous and I needed so badly to puke and lay on the couch. "Fuck, fuck, fuck, that hurts.." Right up to my stomach it burns. I quickly stumble towards the door and headed outside. The fresh air that I had breathed in choked me and I started coughing madly. Shit, fuck happens.
Dad told me that the most beautiful thing he had ever seen in his life was the sunrise in Duma near Kremlin. It was a phenomenon he would die for. He would tell me where the water would sparkle when the ray of light hits it or when the sky would shine like glitters whenever the sunbeams are able to be seen. Surely, I could not envisage what he meant at that time. I was young and clueless. Dad was an author from a wealthy background. He wrote many books and I particularly like many of his collections eventhough half the time I do not understand what he was trying to say. He wrote a dozen Russian books and maybe a few compilation of English ones. His millionaire mansion in Zamoskvorechie was such and edifice. We always play around in in our own sanctuary of happiness. Dad was the one who taught me how to write and read and compose sentences, stuff like that. He was so patient, unlike mum. He always treat me exactly the way I wanted to. Like a normal kid.He wasn’t always demanding but he was gentle.
In the car, I was fast asleep. The ride was convincing me to take a deeper nap but I could not. I had fixed my mind to get there fully awaken. Nothing can sto me from witnessing the magnificent sunrise with Dad especially. So, I slowly open my eyelids and my pupils were stinging due to the headlights of the cars driving in the opposite direction. I thought about Denzeik. He cried and begged dad to take him watch it too. How much he wanted to come. Mom would not let him. Mom said he had to go to school but Denzeik still insists on coming. "No, off to school!" Things fall back to the present. I sat on the passenger seat feeling blank. It was just me and Dad today and so I did smile. Dad was a guidance, a friend of mine. We practically do everything together. He would talk about those silly electronic games which I liked so much and how they programmed them. He tells me everyday that if I could behave nicely, he would buy me thoe geeky playstation games that I wanted so badly. And everyday, I would pretend to be a good boy. Helping mum do her chores and little Denzeik finish his homework. Eventually everything will turn out wrong. Inthe end, I would be playing with Denzeik instead of helping and I would mess up mum's chores.
The morning air was very cold. It was seven and a half in the morning. Dad walked me down the dun and deserted streets. One hand clasping mine and the other carrying a mini stool. Duma was beautiful. The exalted and pompuos parliaments rise before a huge dammed stream. It was elevating. I hopped around the pavement calling after Dad whenever I spot something in the water. Dad however, would just squat beside me and he would start pointing too but with exaggerated stories in his mind. I hop and skip and ran feeling ever so happy whenever I thought Dad was here. By the time the sun began to rise, I had gotten exhausted. My whole body was drenched in sweat. My dad took me and place me on his lap. I watched carefully as the sun rised saving every moment keeping them locked in my head. And believe me, Dad was right. It was something I cannot forget. As the sun rays become visible, the stream glowed and you can actually see it sparkle like there were thousands of crystals floating on it. The shadows of the building grew longer. From the horizon, you could see the sharp, blinding beams spread across the darkened skies. The sky turned sorbet. It was sublime. Especially the sky. From my view, the sky was at its best. Orange lined the sky with oceans of beguiling gold creased and blended. I snuggle closer to Dad. I could feel his warmth. He tapped my shoulders, "Beautiful huh?" I noded. "To me, you are as lovely as the sunrise in Duma," Dad continued.
My mom dated many men after that. They would come over and I would watch them have sex on the couch while I was secretly hiding behind the banisters. I enjoyed watching them. How they touched each other and how they had a blow job. I started growing rebellious. I was sick. Then I slowly started to realize that one of her mate smoked joints. He would often visit us at home. Whenever he came, Denzeik would start crying because he was a stranger to him. Serj on the other hand, remains in his room like a hermit until he’s gone. And I, I pretended to be friends with him. Then when he pulls out his packet of joints and eaves them onto the table, I would carefully steal one and disappear. I tried as much as to keep it a secret. I always lighted them in the neighbor’s backyard which was empty. I tried it. The first time, I was a little afraid, but it was worst. I could feel my pulses ready to explode while the tips of my toes and my fingers were getting numb. My eyes watered and my felt nauseous. I was really fucked up at that time. The best thing was that I had a mild euphoria. The next morning, I had a bad sore throat, started shivering vigorously and had a terrible stomach cramp. I still can’t decide. I knew it was bad but I liked how it fills you with elation, bliss and frenzies over you. I appreciated it. I had those symptoms most of the times so I just lied. I lied a lot to avoid being caught. Sometimes mum would believe me but other times she would start throwing questions because she felt suspicious. Then, I started inhaling glue. Those stick ones which were Denzeik’s. I would steal it from him without his notice. I smell it’s sweet mind-altering smell. Sometimes, I do tell myself that it was Dad’s fault. If he had been here, all would be good. I missed him so much. I wanted to speak to him once again but I guess he wouldn’t want to see me anymore since he had a new family to look for. I wish that sometimes when he goes to Duma, he would think of me.
’Your parents are not home yet..” She said.
”Then why are you so upset?”
I didn’t answer her.
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Liberty Pledge II- Ending
Mar. 13th, 2008 | 10:46 am
Jonovik sat on the pavement. The cold night swift around the air treathening his skin making him shiver. He was desperate to escape. He has never seen nor felt the dark horizon all his life. It only stayed in his mind like a myth. When he realised that his eyes did not seem to blind him or his mind did not swallow him, he knew. He knew that he would have to escape the near depts of the bottomless line. The line of betrayal, mistrust and certainly of hatred.Too long had he envisage a libertised world, too hard for him to bear the overwhelming regrets and too sinful for him to plead for love when he is distressed.
Jonovik was not like other boys in school. He had knew what he wanted. He planned to stop education when he reaches fifteen which is the following week and also decides to marry Yeva. Without his mother's interference, he would have succeeded. Succeeded with pride and fall with glory. He had longed to be freed. Run away from his cruel past to the sunny side where he soon have his own family. "I promise," he would vow in his deep heart. "I would not be like Father." His father was a casting nightmare for Jono. Father did not love him nor his wife. He calls her a whore for having a child. Jono was entirely innocent and misleaded during then. Father took every opportunity to break him and his mother. Never once did Father wrap his arms around him nor praised him for his deeds. "Get out you son of a bitch!" He could remember his father swearing at him eventhough he was not capable of any wrong doing. He remember Father was always angry and abusing him while Mother just watched from the door unknowingly. She was hopeless, unable to help her son everytime. She too was scared. But Mother never told Jono a thing about why Father calls her a whore. She would often rebuke when he asks her. It was a simplicity in the answer and yet she does not want to tell. She was afraid of the truth, of her son knowing what went wrong. Fortunately for Jono, it was over. It was a bleak past that can be forgotten."Jono.." Jono's head turned slowly for he recognise the voice. He was sorrowful for his ill-fate. "Yes, Yeva.."
He could listen to the driping of the water into the magical puddle and the singing of the wind through the hallows of the tree. The night fell silent as the lost souls. The shadows of malevolent fell upon him. His eyes as dim as a dead candle did not flicker in excitement. Her arms were around him. He could feel her breathing steadily. His mother was certainly infuriated of him. He was able to judge his life so confidently and Mother was not pleased. Tomorrow he would have to be heading to Yaroslavl where his mother thought that it would be the precise place for him to be educated. "How was it?" Yeva asked him. Jono just lay on the bed silent. He had argued with his mother. He did not want to attend military academy. By doing so, he would have to delay his marriage with Yeva. Jono just groaned and fidgetted. He was too provoked. "Was it bad?" Yeva shook him trying to hear his voice. "A fractured jaw. Is it that bad? He started it first!" Jono shrieked and he slowly got up from where he laid. "My mother, is a dog!" He continued cursing her. "..Maybe she has seen where this is going to.." Yeva said trying to mourn him but she could not. She felt angry herself. He is irrasional. Of course, it would be madness if he felt pleased to have fractured his poor classmate's jaw. "Uncivil.." She whispered knowing that Jono could not fully hear her. She started throwing on her clothes while Jono just sat on the edge mumbling to himself. "She is a dog."
That night did not please him. He stood in the middle of the road in the crack of dawn. He was alone in the streets. He abandoned Yeva alone in her bed without kissing her goodbye. On the other hand, his mother would have been happier if he had not been her son. That was what he thought. The mud from the midnight pour had stained his poilished boots. He tapped his feet onto the puddle. Small droplets of water flew out like little crystals. Sometimes he wonder if he was meant to live. He always think of the world as it was always encircling his live. His mother did not take him in with pride. Yeva was not always optimistic of his thoughts and Father never did care for him once. It was always a little too exagerating for him to talk about how his father had so easily showed him recklessness. He would often cry in his heart.
After waiting for an hour or so, he could listen to the sound of a giant truck arriving. It was camouflaged in the stillness of the dawn. The sun did not show itself today because the sprinkle of heaven's tears were still falling from the sky, washing away impurity. Jono was turbulent. He was afraid of getting to the academy where all the hardwork and misery is said to be helded. Slowly, the tyres of the truck came to a halt. The massive size of it proved that it could carry in tonnes of pupils. He was in the late intake. Jono stared at the head of the truck in disbelief. "Is this where my mother would want me to be? Will it ever give me any benefits?" He asked himself. "Get in the truck." The driver said to him. Jono frowned and started to pace towards the back where there was and open tent. And officer lowered his arms to allow him to hop onto the truck. Jono lifted himself up in it. Then the engine starts to grind. The truck was moving. It was a bumpy and yet uncomfortable ride. The rambunctions of the other pupils voice blared in the truck. It was never silent except for Jono. He sat silently at the back clinging to his satchel.
Yaroslavl, 0800 hours
The weather was cool. There were no singing of the birds nor the light from the sun. The camp was just miles away from where he was now. The truckers were on a break, sipping coffee for a moment. Jono slowly crawled to the edge to get to the ground. "Halt!" Someone grabbed his shirt from the back. "Where do you think you're going?" A skinny boy asked. Jono just shooked his head unable to voice. It was like he was a mute. It was true, Jono was about to run away. He did not want to be in the academy of pure torture. His heart was skipping twice in a time. His mother was happy if he went to the academy and obeyed her. His heart, his mere heart would be at bliss if he could be at home now. Yeva would be happy if he would have been humble but he need not be humble. He was already defiant. "Fuck, you dog.." He said as he hopped to the ground. The boys behind him were making noises like they were hooligans. The truckers turn their heads to see a small figure running down the sloppy hill with his satchel. "OOi, that devil!" The trucker screamed to alarm everyone. Everyone was in havoc. Jono kept on running. His legs ached halfway through. His heart was beating so frail and he could feel the cold air striking him immorally. He knew he was wrong. He blamed everyone for his deeds. He was atrocious.
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Deteriorating Disorder III
Feb. 29th, 2008 | 02:18 pm
Honestly, I am nervous. Talking to Karen makes me nauseous. I was afraid I would say something stupid. Well, the day ends with a solemn goodbye and I went home. The embarassing part was that I did not know how to do the kickflip and also the Indy 720. What I knew I could do was the Mongo, Nollie and maybe the Switch. Well, that bothers me a lot since I could not do that eventhough I did skate for ages. Well, occasionally. I think I should really start watching Dishdogz.
My mom is so annoying, She kept on bragging about why I did not help her to finish the chores. The truth is that, I hate chores and to get straight to the point, I am pretty lazy myself. Anyways, what makes me in the mood to do chores? i would rather gather up all my Brothel Creeper and arrange them rather than faithfully serving my mom. "What has gone into you?" My mom squirmed. I just looked down to my odious meal. "Kevin?!" she yelled as she hit her fists on the dining table. I faced up in a sudden. I hate it when she does that. There are some times when she is okay, but other times she is just like Greg. She thinks that she is fully vindicated, like everything that goes wrong in this world is my fault. I frowned at her while she groaned in dismay. "What's wrong with you?" She asks. "Nothing." She stared hard on me. She thinks I am a wound-up carcass, that she could attack. Personally, I think she could not even get half past through me and believe me, she does not even want to. She cares to much about Greg. I jabbed the piece of meat that was on my plate and forced it into my mouth. I almost choked. It was horrible. It was as if I am eating sand.
I heard the doorbell rang. That could be Greg. When he comes home, I'll dissapear to my own aphotic room and lock myself up. My mum finally smiled and got up from her seat. I got up to but to dump the food waste into the kitchen. Once I got to the kitchen, I heard mom sqealing and exclaiming happily. I was to dull to check what was going on so I hurried to the stairs and strode up to the bathroom. It i horrible to do it all the time. But, I had been practicing it for a period of time so I guess it was quite normal for me to do that. I locked the bathroom door and reverted my eyes towards the sink. I took my toothbrush and forced the tail of it dow my throat. Then it all goes. It was not what I had intend to do in the first place but I guess I was to obsessed with myself.
I was feeling a little to lightheaded. Face it, the band is over. Why does he even wants to see me? I walked down the park searching for Matt. He did not exactly stated where he would be meeting me so I had to look for him. Many eyes were staring at me in a weird manor. Not that I am weird but I guess it is my Liberty Spikes I had on my head. After endless searching, I finally found Matt, He was sitting crossed-leg on a bench eagerly awaiting me. I got fumed up. I mean, how could he be so cool about it when I just walked the entire park to search for him? "How's things?" He asked. I ignored the question. To be honest, I was feeling deliriously hungry but everytime I eat I think about it being in my throat and that makes me want to puke more. "So why'd you call me for?" I asked curious. Matt seldom make appointments with him unless it is an emergency like the time when he needed extra condom. "You still like playing your Epiphone?" He voiced after an awkward silence. I stared at him. I love playing my guitar. Well, that is the only talent and interest I have and I pretty suck at skating so I switched onto music. "Look, let me get it straight. Do you still wanna' be in a band?" He asked. The funny thing is that whenever Matt speaks he has a funny hardcore punk slang which is really weird. He even dresses like one. Thank God, I chose Crest. "Wait-are you saying that we would still be hanging out with Bes anf Lione?" I frowned. They are the last two persons in this world I would ever be with. I was particularly mad at Bes because he liked to tease me whenever he thinks that I did good during any shows. Thus he even suggested the 'band's creed' so that we would never leave this band and so I did spend eness hours trying to come up with a good one. It was like a rag. "No." Matt laughed. I seriously did not find it funny but Matt was laughing so hard his cheeks started to turn pink. And that is not good for a hardcore. I got annoyed and nudged him hard. He shrilled and faced me seriously. "Okay, What I meant is that, I found this guy who is really good. I mean, he could sing." He smiled. I looked at him and remarked sarcastically, "Yeah, then who's playing bass?" He rolled his eyes. "Yeah, you're right...Maybe you should meet this guy..He's kinda' cool.." I just sat on the bench. Cool? How cool? Maybe the weird urban cool. "Whatever," I said. "Cool..so meet me after school at my pad.." Matt pointed out. Eventhough Bes and Lione left the band, I think I would still want to be in one no matter what. Having a new band member is not a really good thing but I think I could cope it if Matt is still here. "Hey I love your hair.." Matt said as he ruffled my hair on purpose. I swear I am going to kick his ass.
"God.." I sighed as I loosened up my tie. I hate wearing my school uniform. It just makes me feel weird. For all these times I had never been wearing school apparel. Vyach looked at me. He purposely yanked my tie downwards so that I could choke. "Hey!" I yelled. Surely, it was not funny. Considering that school today was not what I thought it would be like. It is just like those scenes in the movies where the bitches rule the whole school. It just seems funny to me because how can a bunch of brainless bitches rule the school? "How was it?" he asked as he jabbed his index finger hardly onto my chest indicating that he meant about the school. I suddenly felt an illness of annoyance so I started to looked down to my shoes and sped up leaving Vyach behind. I did not mean to be rude but I did not want anyone asking me how my day at school was. It is just so awkward because no one has ever asked me that question. I heard Vyach's heavy footsteps chasing after me. All I wanted to do was to get to school normally and in hopes of returning with exciting stories whatsoever like Denzeik or Serj always did. They seem to like school. I do not understand it very well. Why do they like school when everyone calls you a freak?
"Did I say something?" He asked when he caught my shoulders. I panted and started struggling to get my words right. "Yeah, I'm okay." I forced a huge smile on my face. Vyach looked at me and gave me a slight nudge. "Yeah, I know school, it's a fucking shit house." I just grinned to whatever he said. I was starting to feel uneasy about school. "So anyways, does anyone knows?" He asked me looking into my eye seriously. I shook my head, "No," I affirmed. He started digging into his pocket and finally pulling out a tiny cylindrical bottle. "What is it?" I asked. He smirked and answered "Heroin."
It was dinner time. I just sat on the table frazed. My mum was smirking ethusiastically. "So how was school?" She asked as she forked beans into her mouth. "Er-Okay.." I lied. Serj just sniggered behind his back. "Go on tell us the details.." My mum asked again but this time eagerly. "I don't know, just okay.." I answered annoyed. My mum sighed. I looked down towards my dish and frown. How could I explain that to her? If I tell her that everyone calls me a 'freak' then she will definitely freak out like some freaky freak. Serj was staring at me mouthing 'You're dead" until my mum asks him to stop. "Look did you make any friends?" She asked in her squeaky so-called excited voice. "No." "Not even one?" she asked again. "Mum can you please stop it? It is annoying." I felt angry somehow. Unlike Denzeik or Serj, I have an unstable emotion. Sometimes I get to angry or to depressed or to excited. Most of the times, I am angry. My mum rubbed her temples. It is her sign of saying, "God please save me." I continued to stare at my food. Then my mind started running on heroin. Vyach has never ordered me heroin before. Usually, marijuana became a casuality. It is weird.
Somehow, the world just gets a little to unfair. It is like I was born adverse with this weird disorder and everyone seems to think like I deserved it. The fact is that nobody really understands me. It is simply not that I want to be acting odd or peculiar, it is just that I cannot seem to control myself. People always misunderstands me like Serj, he always thinks that i want to get attention and then Mom, she thinks I am overreacting and then Denzeik. He always expects me to do stuff that I can't do. That is the picture. Everyone misunderstands me. "Okay boys.." my mum said. We al turned to look at her. She looked nervous. Her eyes were travelling all over the room as if she was out of words. "Well, I know this is going to be a shocking thing for you guys but-" My mom stopped as if her throat had been slit. We paused for a second but Serj got impatient. "You know I don't have much time!" He rolled his eyes while stuffing the last piece of his steak into his mouth. "Aunt Zhanna is coming tomorrow." I almost choked on my food. My mom quickly turned to look at me. She bit her lip. Somehow I feel outraged. How could she not tell me before this? It was like she did not want to believe me. Now I felt like throwing my plate onto her bloody face.
"Hey Vols, are you okay?" I pressed my head harder into the pillow. I want to suffocate myself. I knew that was Denzeik because he seemed like the only one who cared. "Vols?" He shooked me vigorously. I did not nudge. All I did was lay motionless on my bed while my mind circled about my stupid past. I still did not know why did mom had to be so good towards Zhanna. I hated her. Well, eleven years back, when I was five, it all seemed fine. Zhanna was there. I remember she would make her best blinis and then we would joyfully gobble them up. It was in Latvia. And I like to visit them in their little tiny cottages. It felt homey with tiny fireplace and miniature fruit trees in the garden. Her house itself looked like a forest. There were trees, shrubs, bushes everywhere. It was a bright, sunny and glorious day and Zhanna planned to have a picnic. I was running around in the garden digging up the ground. Usually Zhanna did not like it but I guess I coaxed her that I had to find those slugs in her garden. "What are you doing?" someone tapped my shoulders. I looked up to see the figure, it was Kyzklov. "Digging for slugs.." I said making holes into the sand on the ground. "Doesn't the slugs live in the pots?" I stopped for a moment. "Oh, right.." Then I digged Zhanna's rose bush. Kyzk nudged my hands with his knees. "Let's climb that tree.." He pointed at the miniature apple tree. "Are you sure?" I asked. I was afraid of heights, honestly. "Yeah! It will be fun. I can show you this little possum's nest. My heart grew with excitement. Possum? I have never seen one in my life. So I skipped across the garden and tried my best to climb the tree.
"Boys be careful!" Zhanna called out after us. Kyzk sat on the fork of the branch. "Quick!" He waved to me. I cling onto the tree trunk unable to move. I felt dizzy because I did not like it. Psychologically, I thought I was going to fall. Kyzk rolled his eyes and slowly reached for me. "Why are you so afraid?" I just cling there. Half of me wanted to cry for mom but the other half told me not to be such a cry baby. "Quick!" Kyzk shrieked while he swang his legs. Unfortunately, one of his legs hit me hard on my forehead. I started yelling at him at that moment. Kyzk just stared at me horrified. I knew he was afraid. I grew acerbic. I wanted to hurt him to since he bruised my forehead so I yanked his legs and the next thing I knew was that Kyzk fell from the tree to the ground. I sighed. I pushed my head up and away from the pillow. Denzeik looked sympathetic. I don't want to be sympathized. I want to be reasoned. "Look, mom said she had no choice but to help Aunt Zhanna, so you have to accept it Vols.." Denzeik frowned. I brought myself back to the last time I saw Zhanna or Kyzk or Sava. After that incident, Zhanna hated me. She said I was a mad child. Dsyrythmic caused me to be aggressive and because of that I hurt her son. "That boy is a devil! I don't want to look at him."
She always rang in my ears.
I tapped my Chuck Taylor's on the floor. The queue to get in the bar was long and I had been standing here for thirty minutes. I guess I am impatient. I looked at my Blackberry. I jabbed one of the buttons but I did not know how it worked. The screen displayed something and I tried to read it. "Too-lz" I then twisted my eyebrows. How do I use the 'tools'? I heard some loud laughter and then whoopings. It is like those crazy zoo people. Then I saw a couple sniggering in front of me trying to slot into the line.
"Excuse me-" I voiced. The man turned back and then he rolled his eyes. I started to feel angry.
"Excuse me!" I shove his shoulders. "Get your own line."
He frowned. "What is the matter with you arseface?" I looked at him. I had no idea what he just called me but that surely is not my name. He sniggered. "Aww, you don't own this line.." He teased. I felt my lips tremble. I did not want to give way to this weird person so I yanked his jacket and he skidded to the pavement. His girlfriend's jaw dropped. My head started to whine. What did I just do? That is irrasional. It is just two people, I can wait. He got up quickly, his eyes raging. "You little dog, get your arse here!" I looked at him terrified unable to say a word. He grew closer to me. People around me started backing up. He then clasp my collar and heaved me on the floor. "You see this right here?" He jabbed his chests. "You don't own me, and neither does the line.."
I think I had butt-ache because my ass hurts. I searched for the nearest bar. And I found one.
"ID?" I looked up and saw a huge man labelled "Hibi" standing before me. I hesitate for a moment. Then I started rummaging my pocket for it. "Kids are not allowed in here.." He said. I nodded but I did not care less. "Are you deaf?" I quickly faced him. "Kids are not allowed here!" I frowned and shot. "Yes, I am aware of that!" He frowned and sighed. He looked fed up about convincing that I was a kid. I am but just that I had my fake ID. I handed him the ID. He looked at it for a long time. "Are you sure you are eighteen?" he asked. I lost eye contact with him. "Er-yes." "Really? Let me check if this ID is fake.." My heart sank. How will they know? Can they detect it? It took me months to make that with those stupid quark documents. I rubbed my eyes and squatted on the floor. My ass was hurting me. "Hey,hey, get up! What are you trying to do?" He slammed. "I really need to get in," I said as I stomped my foot on the floor. All because of that stupid loser who cut my line. "Get out of here.." He said. "No,no, look it's my name okay?" I pointed at the ID. "Get out!" He pushed me. "What is wrong here?" I saw a woman came out of the bar. She looked dreadful with her heavy make-up and skimpy outfits. "He's a fake!" I lowered my head. Is this getting even more embarrassing? "Oh it's okay, let him in since he wants to." I looked at her as she smirked at me.
"So are you around town?" She asked me while she ordered two glasses of 'jaeger bomb' I stared onto the mahogany bar table. I was speechless. "Yeah.." I answered. "That's why I haven't seen you around." She sighed, "Tokyo is a small place honey.." I nodded as a sign of agreement. "So tell me more about you.." She turned to face me. Her eyes twinkle with excitement. "Well, I'm a five footer.." She smiled. "Really? I am a six footer!" Then she started gigling. I did not know why she got so excited about my height. I just sat on the table looking down at my jaeger. What in the world is happening? All of a sudden she comes to me and talk to me. She treats me like a normal person and that I wished everyone would do that. Especially Kanomi, she made it really obvious. One time when we went grocery shopping together, she told me how to read the word 'Raddish' out loud and that was so embarassing. Particularly on me. And that was the last time I went anywhere with her because I had gotten so mad at her for treating me like a clueless kid. "So what are you up to tonight?" She asked while tapping her glass which makes me irritated because her nails were so long and she kept talking while the 'clinking' sound was there. "Nothing, I guess.." "Okay, I want to show you something.." She got up and gently held my wrist.
She led me to somewhere behind the bar. It was dark and narrow. I could not see where I was headed to. "Er-excuse me?" I said in the dark. "It's Aya sweetheart." "Yes, Aya, where are you taking me?" "You'll find it out soon.." She answered. I was unsure of what she was about to do but I guess I would just follow her since I am trapped as a mouse. She suddenly stopped. "Here it is." I heard the chimes of the key and then a huge brush of the door. "Ta-dah!" She said ethusiastically. I looked around the dim lighted room. It was a mini theatre. The huge LCD was pinned in the front and there were armchairs arranged in front of it. The room was covered with padded burgundi sponge and it was awesome! It is like I could live here forever and not come out. "So what do you think?" "It-it's awesome!" I said out of words. I slowly headed to her CD racks and browsed all her movies. "Sorry but I didn't catch your name." I looked at her. She was standing with her hands on her hips and the other one holding her jaeger. "It's Ryu.." I said smiling. "So Ryu.." She paused and I could hear her walking towards me. I just squatted on the floor finding for any familiar movies which I knew. "You like it here?" She said. Her voice seemed to changed and she started fiddling with my hair. I slowly looked up to her and got up. "What's wrong?" She asked. I gulped, "Nothing.." She came closer to me, so close that I had to retreat. "Come on tell me, what's wrong?" She asked again. I shook my head. She let go of her jaeger and it spilled all over my legs and my shoes. The broken fragments scatter on the floor. "There's nothing wrong is there?" She pressed her hands on my shoulders and started licking my neck. I felt grotesque. "What are you doing?" I demanded struggling to get her hands off my shoulders.
She sighed. "Come on honey, don't be so daft.." She said. I stared at her for a long time. My parents nor Kanomi never does that to me so how should I know? "See? I brought you in and I did you a favor. So, you favor me back." "Like what?" I asked again, this time really lost in the conversation. "Like this." She gripped my shirt and pulled it up. "Hey!" I screamed but she did not want to listen. She started messing up my hair and started licking me all over again. And that is entirely gross.
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Deteriorating Disorder II
Feb. 22nd, 2008 | 02:41 pm
"So what do you play?"
"The guitar."
"Cool. You wanna' be in a band?"
"What band?"
"Well, honestly, we'd never came up with a name yet."
"okay."
I really wanted to be in a band but I thought of Greg. He would totally kill me when he finds out what decision I had made. Although Greg disapproves but it is my life and not his. Plus, I thought making music is suppose to be fun. So later on that night, I told Matt that I had agreed.
We shook hands and he introduced me to his bandmates. They were, 28 year-old Bes who did the vocals and the college dropout, Lione, who played the bass. Then there is Matt. He is sixteen, and he played the drums. Well, at first, I thought the band ruled because we were quite good at the first place. We get loads of credit and the pub managers just wants to book us again and we get tonnes of fans. Well, that was before but this is now. You see, Bes, he had gotten engaged to his beloved girlfriend and he started to space out some time and tried to skip band practice. Then Lione, his parents did not really agreed on him becoming a musian. He could play while he gets a proper job. And Matt. Well, he did not really care, so long as he is in a band and he is at bliss. So I guess, that is when the band starts to break up. We started treating each other like shit and we often get into fights about the performance schedule.
I laid on my bed, my eyes examined my bedroom walls. I had numerous giant posters on my walls. Suddenly, I heard my phone ring. I slowly got up of my bed. I was feeling ever so tired. I looked at the contact, it was Matt.
"Hey," I said. "Hey, Max. Well, I hope you are not that mad about the band's fate. I mean-". "No, I'm not" I interrupted Matt. Seriously, I did not like him talking about the band. "Oh so well, you know as final performance, we're going to perform at Sandy Lake," he said. "Sandy Lake?" I yelled through the phone. "Yeah, well Bes said we could hang out in the minivan and then perform. It's more like family vacation-"
"But Matt, you know I can't!"I sounded. "Why not?" Matt's voice started to get irritated. "Well, it's because of Greg."There was a long pause until Matt voiced, "If you don't go, it'll be a total trash." I just sat on my bed and started to scribble on my notebook. Matt just waited at the other end of the line. "Well-Bye-" he said and the line was dead.
"Do it for the band.."
"You have to be skinny..way more than that!"
I quickly gopt up from my bed. My hair all over my face. I faced left and right. The bright evening light shone onto my delicate eyes until I had to squin them. I looked at the time. It was half past four. I think I fell asleep for and hour or so. I sat upright on my bed and listened to any sound. Mom was watching her 'Grey Anatomy' while Rilo, my labrador is barking in the garden. I got up and looked out from my window to check on Rilo. He was barking at my neighbor. I saw Mrs.Shimizu strolling down her garden's pavement and headed to her car. She seemed to be mad and she is talking to her daughter. I just looked at her daughter for the moment. She was wearing a pair of shorts witha sleeveless shirt and she even got her sweatband on, she lookd convulsed.
I quickly got out of my room and ran straight down the flight of stairs. My mom looked at me. "I'm going for a walk mom," I lied. She just nodded. Obviously, she was really interested in her programs. Anyways, I wore my black Converse and headed straight to the garden. Honestly, I have never reacted like this before. Mrs.Shimizu's daughter looked at me. I almost slapped myself for being such a loser because it seemed really obvious that I ran out into the garden nd took my skateboard. She was holding onto hers. I waited for her mother to go and then we were alone together in the garden. I hopped onto the board and kicked my leg. I could not stan just standing there being so static.
She looked at me. I looked at her. The weird thing was she started laughing. I just frowned and stared at her. "Urm-your hair-" She said.
I just stood still and quickly fixed my hair. This is so not cool for a guy. "Thanks-er-so what's your name?" I asked. "Karen..." I just let my thoughts liberate for a moment. Karen. What a beautiful name. "Nice- I'm Kev-I mean Max.." Shit. I do not know whether I should tell her my real name or my stage name. Well, I used Max more frequently.
"Nice to meet you" She said as she started to get on her board and ride. I just followed her wherever she went. "So-er.." She looked at me.
"Nice weather.." She pointed out.
"Yeah..it's really cool.."
"Really?"
"Yeah.."
"Cool"
"Cool"
What a stupid conversation. It just goes one like this for half of our ride. I looked around. The trees tower us like benevolent. The yellow leaves that it bore started flying when the wind blows. I looked at Karen whose back was facing me. Wow. This is like my first date with Karen. I rode nearer towards her and the silly thing was that I hit her tail guard of her old school skateboard. She almost fell but I quickly caught her arm. She looked at me and frowned.
"I'm sorry.." I said.
"That's okay.." She said and she did a 'Regular' and did a 'Indy 720'.
I just stared at her amazed.
"How did you fucking do that?"
"I just watch Tony Hawk all the time.."
"But-how could you know it?"
"Well, I could show you the inward heelflip or maybe the kickflip if you liked.."
I just frowned. She is just perfect!
"Ollie, what do you think of school?" I asked.
Ollie just knelt beside me and muted. I knew he did not want to answer me. I heard him sigh. "It's okay." He finally sounded. "Okay?" I asked unsure of what he meant. It is either 'good' or 'bad'. Ollie faced me and smiled. "Come one Volskav, don't tell me that you are afraid of school? I thought that big brother was suppose to be-"
"Move it" Sergej interrupted as he kicked Ollies arms with his knees. "Jerk.." Ollie whispered and recoiled and started rubbing his arms really hard like it was going to leave a bruise on him. "Hey Vols.." I faced Serg. The thing is that you could recognise Serg's voice instantly eventhough you were standing in a crowd of millions. I mean he just had a really low and deep tone. "School is a nightmare. I mean you'll be surrounded by bullies..for sure.." He said as he stuffed cereals into his mouth. "Yeah bullies like you!" Ollie pointed out. "Hey you shut your fucking mouth!" Serg fought back. "Why don't you quit it?" Ollie begged.
"Gay, gay, G.A.Y. There I spelled it for you..." Serg teased. Ollie groaned and got up to get his bag. I felt sorry for him. Once, during Ollie's fifteenth birthday, Serg did punch him right in his face. Ollie tried his best not to cry in front of him and that would make him look bad. There were blood stains on his teeths, lips and chin.
I quickly got up and heaved my heavy satchel and ran towards Ollie.
"Are you okay?" I asked but he did not want to answer. "What-what should I do when I get to school?" I asked Ollie for advice. "Look Vols, just chill...Meet me after school at the autos.."
I nodded. Ollie had a part-time job as a mechanic. He said he needed the money to get an Apple I-phone.
Moscow Public School
I tapped my pencil on the table. Shit. I looked onto my notebook. Do not look up. Do not make eye contact with anyone. I lowered my head. Avoid talking to anyone. "Good morning class, today we have a new student..." The teacher said. I just continued to bend my head. Am I the only newbie? "Well, lets give him a chance to introduce himself.."I looked up and the teacher glared at me. I think I had a brain meltdown or maybe a vital wire in my brain had just popped. "Urm-my name is er-Volskav.." I stammered. The teacher laughed. "Silly, come upfront here and introduce yourself!" I think I got a brainshocked because I did not tinge nor breathe. I looked around and slowly stepped forward. "Er-yeah- urm- my name's Volskav" The teacher frowned irritatingly agin. "Well, that's not a very nice way to start your introduction with 'ers' and 'urms'" I just kept quiet. "Say your name in pride and confidence. Be proud of your name." Half the class started laughing, while the other half just gave me a death stare. I froze. "Volskav..that's my name" I said, bluntly. The teacher frowned lower. "Okay, carry on."Carry on? What else should I say? "Well, what is your former school?" She asked trying to make an effort. School? What if I didn't go to school? "I was home-schooled.."
"Home-schooled?" She shrieked. I just stared at her. She made it sound so tragic like it was a sin. The class started to laugh and I heard someone screamed, "Retard!" I bit my lip. Is retard a bad thing? Well, obviously, it is. "Why are you home-schooled?" the teacher shot. I looked at her in disgust. I am starting to hate her due to her reaction. "Well, I just can't go to school.." I lied and started to head for covering up my speech. The class burst out laughing hysterically. "Okay-okay, go back to your seat." I walked back. I could not concentrate on most of my lessons in class. I mean being home-schooled is better. You do not get that much tension. The tutor just teaches you simple stuff and you could get it in a quickie. But I guess school is a muh more different and that is why I could not adapt to this environment. "Hey Volskav.." I turned and saw a huge boy smiling at me. I just stared at him. "You know what this is?" He asked as he lifted the front cover of Playboy magazine and the girls were nudy. I just looked away. "Aww, too bad you're a retard. Otherwise, you'll love it. Retards just sit over there.." He pointed to the trash can. I lowered my head as they started laughing. After class, I get terribly much nudges all around me. "Freak.." They would whisper. I knew that I did not practically belong here. I mean being in Moscow is already terrible. The expanses is too expensive and mom would always get stressed up if we go out for grocery shopping. Nevertheless, a Moscow school is bad enough. Well, half of them are rich, educated shits so they would cease any opportunity to make fun of someone who is an easy target. Well, it would be great for people like Serg. Well, he would love to pick on people like me just because he wanted to release his tension. Well, it is unfair for us. Thus, Serg said he would want to go to a military academy which made my mom gasped and almost died of heart attack. On the other hand, I think Ollie did not had much problem in school either. He said that he was okay. To me, he just looked gorgeous and practically all the girls would want to date him.
I sat on the school bench under the tree. For the frst time in my life, I think I would agree with Serg. School is a nightmare...so far.
My parents finally came home from a two months business trip to America. I was so excited to see them.
"Hey Ryuu, daddy got you something." I looked at my mom blankly. Present for me? Thank heavens. I have not receive any since previous Christmas. "What is it?" I asked jubilantly.
"A BlackBerry. " I faced my father. Blackberry? Isn't that a fruit? Dad handed me a box, I slowly opened it. Well, it was not a fruit but it was a highly portable machine. I spent hours alone in my room jabbing the buttons trying to figure out how it works. My dad told me that it is a machine that keeps track of all your schedules and stuff. Once I have gotten thoroughly fed up, I headed to the hall towards my parents. They were talking softy and I was unable to listen to a word they said. "Hey, once you're back, take me to Shibuya.." I said. They looked at me. "Ryuu, we can't.." My mom said as she patted my shoulders.
"Why not?" I shot. I heard my father exhale. "We're on business." I just frowned. "But- it's only for a day?" I begged. My dad rolled his eyes while my mom continued to read her newspapers. I sighed and got back to the room.
The next morning when I woke up, my parents were not home. Kanomi was babysitting me for the day. I was bored through out the whole day because I did not have anything else to do but watch television and read the boring Woman in the Dunes. I went to the balcony and secretly took out a cigarette and lighted it. I cannot believe my parents. Why are they always so busy? Is it that they cared more about their multi-million dollar profit company? Or is it that they hated me that much? I heard footsteps. I exhaled the smoke and threw the cigarette on the ground to step on it. I saw Kanomi's head peeping through the sliding door. "Ryuu, what are you doing?" She asked gently. "Nothing." I grunted. She slowly approached me. I just stared at the smashed cigarette in the floor. My life is just as dead as the ashes. I just hated it. Why am I 'gifted' with this woeful dyslexia? "Kanomi.." I whispered. "Yes?" She answered. "Could we go out, somewhere?" I asked.
"Where to? The park? The Imperial-"
"No, somewhere like the pub.."
She frowned. "Are you out of your mind? You are under-aged"
"Yes, I know..that's why I have a fake ID.." I smiled but it did not win her over. "C'mon, everyone has one.." I pleaded. "It's not that, it's about your behaviour. I'm telling your parents.." She walked away heading towards the hall. I followed her and grabbed her arm. "Would they even care?" I shrieked. She just looked at me. "What's gone wrong with you?" She squealed. Well, honestly, I find Kanomi a little annoying and hard to persist. "I don't know..But don't you even want to get a few glasses of Vodka?"
"No."
"No?"
"Yes and I'm serious."
I sighed. I give up.
I walked towards my room and got my coat on. I slipped the fake ID into my pocket. I do this all the time. Well, since I live in a double story house, it was easy for me to sneak out. Well all I had to do was climb over the balcony and slowly paced towards the pointed porch roof and stabilize myself on it. Alas I would jump down and get myself out from the gate. And that is what I did.
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Deteriorating Disorder
Feb. 21st, 2008 | 04:32 pm
Dear diary, what I saw today was not in favor. I mean, come to think of it, my mom told me that she had been wanting to get pregnant again. I was totally affronted by the statement. Nevertheless, she wants her 'true love' to be with Greg. I mean, it is not a bad thing to get another sibling but I just did not like Greg. Greg, however disliked me even more than I do towards him. I do not really understand why he always abuse me sometimes. It is not like I had asked for it. I hated Greg. He does not deserve to be with mom but she loves him ever so deeply. I was about to cry when she said she wanted to have his baby. How can she be so daft and asinine?
Well, on the other hand, I have not introduced myself either. Well, I call myself Max, so I am Max. Apparently, my real name was Kevin but I had to change it to what I liked. Max was my stage name. In case you have not figured it out, I play in a band. Not a world wide famous band with so-called multi millionaire luxuries. Well, my band was a home-styled, half retarted and repetitious. Many times had I thought of quitting this band but I just did not want to. I mean making music is totally what I aim for. However, all my bandmates are a little unmotivated. Currenlty, I'm searching for new band members to replace these prosaic ones. Oh yes, I do not sing for the band. In fact, I play the guitar. Bes, who is doing the vocals, said that I was a little to energetic during the show. I do not know if Bes was a rock music virgin or whatever but he did suck. Yes, I have to admit, sucked to the max. That is what they liked to say. We did not get any credits after the show. Everytime, clubs just will not hire us just because of the ill-spirited bandmates.
However, my bandmates once told me that I had to get thinner. I did not understand them. I mean I weight exactly forty-six kilograms and they said I had to be thinner with the reason "Hey man, the world is in a high state of paranoia... Thin is good. It shines out our style.."
My jaw literally dropped when I heard Lione saying that. What they meant by their style was that they had to be those 'Emo-Rockers' which was weird. I mean how can I be 'emo' when I am skinny? It does not make sense. Thus, their philosophy is much more out of league. They want to sign a major record deal which I think is impossible. Well, at first, I had refused to follow their rules on becoming super skinny, but since playing onstage with all my bandmates being skinnier than me, makes me nervous. I did not want to be the loser in the band. And so, I did. I had become thinner in an unhealthy manor. I am bullimic. I did not tell my mom nor anyone this. My bandmates did not have a clue either. It is just that I get so obsessed in getting a thinner waist and somehow, I just thought that bullimic was a way out.
So, regardless to say, I just looked the same as before, except that I could see my ribs sticking out. I do not know whether it is harmful,as long as I did not feel that hungry. The first time, I had starve myself, it was totally distressing. I could not withstand the abdominal pain you get if you never eaten for hours or maybe days. The next gruesome thing is that you had to vomit all your guts out and it was hard because I was not used to it. Well undoubtly, your throat hurts. I did not want to be anorexic at first because my mom would realized instantly. So I chose bullimic. Anyways, to skip that, I had my love life ahead of me to. I liked my neighbour's daughter. She was insanely beautiful to me. She has short layered black hair, black eyes, short hair with an olive complexion. She is just perfect for me. Well, honestly, I think she is quite intimidated by me because of my height. I rose at least 5"9 and she was just a 'petit' 5"0. But that does not really matters once you are in love. She has a skateboard and I love to skateboard to. Well that maybe we are a perfect match.
On the other hand, I, myself am rather scary. I am a punkster. I had dark hair and dark rimmed eyes. Whenever I get to the backstage dressing room, everyone would tell me to wear the 'kaleidoscope' fashion. Well, it's a fashion sense where you wear multi colored shirts and prints. I seriously do not like the fact that they dress me up while I had my own fashion sense. Surely enough, the stupidest shirt I had ever wore was a pink shirt. I did not know what went wrong to their brains but I did wear it and I looked stupid. Well, during that time I did not think so, I thought I had to do it for the band. Well that's what you ought to do when you are in a base of 'team spirit'. Seriously, my mother did not mind me being in a band, it was Greg. He always said that it was a riot. I did not care but once I had told him off, he slapped me so hard that the red marks would not go away for days. Not once but thrice. I hated it when he does that. Greg was a bussinessman. Well, having saying it directly, a multi millionaire, bussinessman. He works around here, in the Toronto. He always wants to maintain his 'high standard reputation' so that is the reason why he disliked me being in a band.
Overall my life is just a bore.... Until then.
When my mother told me that I had to go to school, I almost cried. Seriously, I wanted to cry. I was just so depressed. I could not believe my mother would be so cruel by sending me to a public school here, in Moscow. It is just sickenng to know that the fact that all the people that surrounds you will taunt you like you do not even belong here. I get the feeling everytime. To be honest, I have not been to a school since a long time. I had stopped once my mother found out that my dysthymic disorder was badly deteriorating. Sometimes I feel really bad, like I had no other choice but to suicide, so that is why my mother always brought me to see Mr. Rykiel. He is my doctor or shall I say, my counselor.
Being in the ward for so long is not really gratifying. I find it traumatic eventhough I had been going for years. I do feel sorry for my mother because it rather did not improve my health, but I could not do anything. On the other hand, I have an addiction to drugs. Surely, the doctor had warned me not to smoke nor take any narcotics. Sadly, I could not tolerate nor persist those. I kept it a secret of course. Nobody knows. As a matter of fact, I do train myself not to increase the amount of drugs periodically but maybe I had failed to do that because it seems that I could not resist the same amount each and everyday. Taking drugs was like eating candies. The only ifference is that drugs can give you a better taste. I do not mean it literally but that is what I think.
I live in Moscow, together with my mother. She is a single parent and she finds it hard to handle who I am now. Nevertheless, I did not mention that I have an older brother. He is one year ahead of me, and I am sixteen. I did not mind having an older brother but sometimes he would play on my feelings. He once locked me up in my closet and would not want to let me out until I started crying. Well that was ages ago but I still could not forgive him. He knew he should not do that but he liked it. He liked to see people breaking down and pleading for him to let them go. That is the unfortunate thing about living with my family. My father, however had found a new companion on the other side of the world. It was not a shocking news because he is to good for my mother.
Well, about myself. I could not really say much. Well, first, my name is Volskav. I was just an ordinary kid. I had brown hair, deathlike complexion, a pair of big blue eyes and maybe skinny out of league. I am bound to be photographer when I grow up. Well, maybe I could not but I just like taking picture. Unfavorably, Sergej, my brother think it is a gay habit. In fact, he thinks everything in this world is bound to be gay except the things that he likes. I do not seem to bother what he says. He just likes to make me feel bad. It is just not that fair. Why is he all healthy and stuff whereas I am not?
I find it seemingly unfair. I truly hate my life. Sometimes, when you are who I am now, you just feel unfair. On my last visit to Mr.Rykiel he told me, "Volskav, take time to control yourself." The truth is that they were afraid I would loose my mind and kill someone on that instant because I am liable of doing that. It is not that I dared to do it but once I get really emotionally affronted, I would do that.
"Ryuuta, where do you think you are going?"
I stopped and slowly turned around.
"To the toilet?"
She frowned at me. "Get back here. No smoking in this area."
I was seriously puzzled. I looked at Mrs. Kanomi. She seemed rather old for her age. She is my reading teacher.
"I'm telling your mother,"
"But-"
"No 'buts' or excuses"
"what about 'anyhow?'"
"Ryuu I'm telling you this is not a joke! You have to take this seriously. This is for your own good." She rebuked.
"Which do you mean? The class or the joint?" I asked holding up the lighted cigarette as if I was mocking her.
"Enough!" She shrilled as she grabbed the cigarette from my fingers.
"Do you know how important this is for you?"
I just stared at her ready to pester her. "No."
She groaned in a weird way which shows she is annoyed. "If you cannot read your simple English or maybe your kanji, you cannot get a serious life here, in Tokyo!"
I sighed. I give up. She is right. I had to learn to read like all normal people do or maybe spell and decode phrases fluent like other people do.
Living in Tokyo is great. It is like a paradise in here. The clubs, the girls, the locomotion. But you see, the thing is that once you get really into sex and drugs, you really cannot seem to get a way out. Like I am in now. However, I did not really bother. I mean I do speak a little slower but at least I do know how to speak. Kanomi treats all her dyslexic students as if they are dogs.
Likewise, my parents are frequently away from home so most of the time, I live alone at home. I did not manage everything myself, my caretaker would do it for me. The hardest part was not getting to see my parents which somehow, as time passes, I did not really care about them that much. I pretty much liked it when they are gone. In fact, I go to night clubs and bars ever more frequently. But I had to leave the day free for the stupid class which I am having now.
Being dyslexic does not mean being a retard. It is just that dyslexic patients often finds it hard to decipher and to characterize the terms in the language or the digits. Thank heavens my parents stopped sending me to school. There are countless reasons that I hate being in school.At first I thought that the teacher was annoying. They talked to you ever so slowly like you are one big fat retard person. And that is when all the students come to tease you. Once there was one person who thought it was funny to harass me and so I just punched him straight on his face. Just like that. But still, it did served him right.
Anyhow, I am much of an average kid. You know the lifestyles in Tokyo, you could figure out how japanese boys looked like. Being a little short and unruly hair, small eyes and tan. But maybe I am slightly opposite except that my hair, was unruly. I had black eyes and they are naturally big. My parents on the other hand work for a business company and they are often travelling around the world while I am stuck in front of the television watching Barrio all day long.
"Here read this..." Kanomi handed me a thick book after ages of digging into her rack.
"What is this?" I asked.
"Oliver twist. The classic version."
I stared at the book's contents. It was horrible! The font was ever so small and unidentified by the modern computers and the words are seriously bombarstic. I frowned.
"What happened to Peter and Jane? Or Little Red Ridding-"
I fell silent. I felt stupid like a dorkus. A fourteen year old reading Peter and Jane seemed ridiculous.
"Or you would rather prefer this one"
She handed up a thick encyclopedia about: "The Hiroshima"
I just sat while my legs spread out on the mat.
"No, I prefer Ol-iv-Twi-s"
"It's Oliver Twist"
"Oli-Via Twi- whatever."
She sighed.
"How can this happen?" She started to stress out.
I just started at her. "Hey Barrio is on right now. Can I watch the tv?"
"No."
"Why not?!"
"You have to read the prolonge first.."
"Prolonge?"
"Yes" she said as she pointed to a 23 spread page of the prolonge.
"Are you insane? I could get a brain meltdown halfway through!"
"Nonsense, just read it."
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Liberty Pledge- Prologue
Feb. 15th, 2008 | 02:14 pm
''Freedom is a powerful word eventhough the mouth does not speak. Though all our thoughts may
drift and cast like the reverie of the past and our actions wade in the darkness and stillness of the
night, a promise to freedom brings perpetual power thus eternal memory from the reminiscent
faith''-Lazlo
Vologda Oblast, 1949
Jonovik's limbs were all sprawled on the bed. He felt defeated and yet tired. The break of night was starting to darkened. His day at school was recircling around his daily routine. What he always did. He shuffed around the bed aching at every move. Then he groaned. Beside him lay his 22-year-old companion. Jono's face was pressed against the pillow making him uneasy to breathe. All this while, Russia was about the Cold War and the Great Patriotic War. The endless and yet unnerving to the innocent citizens of Russia. The sosialist was wide spread amongst the streets which makes him afraid to stroll down in it. The Russian Federation was about to clear all the sosialist board by sentencing the ruthless punishment to all. Death. It was a fearful word as it speaks. Jono was afraid of death.
'I have to go..' He said as he pressed his elbows onto the soft bed to lift him up. Yeva, who looked misty and unaware just muffled and continued to slumber.
After changing his apparels which made it right for school, he got his bag and swang it across his back and it feel with a bursting sound. Jono quickly turned back to check on Yeva. She groaned and moaned. Obviously, she didn't like the sound. She was a light sleeper and he had to take extra precautions about it. Jono tucked his straight, blonde hair behind his ears and a pair of dull gray eyes shown. He took a deep breath and said to himself a good luck wish and started to reach to the door.
School was dull to him. He knew he did not quite fit right in. People just like to tease him because of his disorder. Jono, however has not exposed his limitations of the normal, average human. He had a certain malfunction in his brain and so he was partially deaf on his left ear and it was certainly hard for him to listen closely. He was supposed to keep it tightly behind his lips but somehow it just got leaky and spread right through the student bodies and raised an agenda for the fellow rumours. There was many people he hated. In fact, comparing him to them, he was much smaller than them, comparison to the lack of muscle like most of his friends had. Jono has an inadequate masculine features. He was skinny and yet tall who rose about 5''9 and he had big gray eyes. But he was not abashed about his physical featured eventhough he was handicapped for the deteriorating sense of hearing. Truthfully, he was tough.
Jono panted as he could see a glimpe of the Russian flag dancing in the rythm of the wind on the rooftops of the building. It was his school. His school was fairly white in color and had arcs with huge panelled windows and an immense door due to the grand entrance. He straightened his thick blazer which was military styled. Jono knew that he was about to end his schooling life and start a new one which was work orientated. At the age of fifteen he would stop his education and start working to raise his own family with Yeva and also his mother. Jono was the only child to a single parent. His father had never liked him and he never once showed mercy on Jono. Sometimes he feels as if he had never been yeilded fully by his mother because he knew that she was just as afraid as he was. Then, somewhere around his teens, his father did not want to live with him anymore and that was the starting of his new life. A world free from the bounds of his father.
Jono's fingers trailed across his textbooks. He was studying on Bolsheviks. His mind flew afar which made him difficult to comtemplate a phrase he was reading. He thought about Yeva. He could only think about her. Jono was far too young for her. He was about to reach fifteen in the next few weeks. He had decided to be her companion for life once he had stopped schooling. However, Jono was not articulate on his speech. He just would not speak about things that were not necessary and he knew his mother would manifestly disallow. In concern to that, Jono started to planned his speech to convince his mother. Jono quickly took his blunt pencil and started to scribble down into his notepad. After going through his mediocre speech due to his blunt pencil which wrote no more, he sensed that he was being watched.
Jono faced up and saw Kled grinning widely towards him.
''What is this? You want to propose to someone?'' Kled teased while placing a concussion to his point.
Jono quickly scrunched the paper and hid it into his pocket. His eyes reverted throughout Kled hoping that he would not criticize him.
''Who are you going to be engaged to? Your Grandmother?" He joked and started snorting. Then Kled nudged Cijek and they both started making funny faces while teasing him. Jono, however was feeling uneasy. He did not like the fact that they were aggravating about Yeva.
Finally the school bell rang. Jono quickly got up from his seat but he was pushed by Kled and so he fell to the floor. Jono looked up to face Kled. His eyes filled with faultless reflections. Kled and Cijek knew that Jono was an easy target. They were twice as big as Jono. Jono slowly crouched onto his feet while his backside hurt from the impact of the fall. Kled reeled him up and rigidify his grip on Jono's collar while Cijek rummaged through his pocket to find the scrunched up note. Once Cijek found it, he quickly straightened out the piece of paper and started to read it out loud. Jono could do nothing but to stand there and embarass himself.
"Yeva? That's stupid..This is all make up.." Kled shoved Jono's shoulder hard.
Jono stood there red-faced due to his anger. He did not like Kled and Cijek invading through his personal belongings.
''Wow, you're a story-teller huh?'' Cijek continued to tease him and punched him hard on his shoulders. Jono recoiled and frowned. Kled tantalized, " Hello?" He mockingly pushed Jono's head. "Can you hear me? Or are you too fucking deaf?"
Jono could not control himself. He felt deraged and derailed by his emotions. He could not repose himself so he lifted his fists and strike it through Kled's cheeks.
Kled fell to the floor. He moved his jaws and it ached. He could not belive he had been punched straight in the face. He looked up and saw Jono frowning at him ready to fight and knock him out again. This time Kled got offended. He did not like to picture himself losing to a wimp so he striked Jono straight on his mouth and heave him up thus, hit Jono's body against the wall. Students were starting to gather around them. Jono was irascible. He did not care about the people watching. In fact, he liked to see how his fellow Kled fall to the ground. Kled was screaming at him. He started to hit Jono's skinny body onto the wall while he clenched Jono's collar.
"You think you could defeat me huh? Handicapped boy?"
Jono had enough of the mockery. He broke free from Kled's grip which needed much energy to struggle off and prod him. Kled pummeled to the ground. Jono seized this opportunity to trample on him mercilessly. Jono's heavy boots stomped onto Kled's body while he started screaming helplessly. Jono liked it. As a matter of fact, he thought Kled deserved it. Cijek just stood at the edges of the classroom while watching his friend getting trampled. Sooner or later, blood started oozing out from Kled's mouth.
'Is he dying?' He asked himself. Jono felt a mass feeling of glee sparkling throughout him as he watched his friend choking on the floor. It was like a nirvana for his soul. Sooner or later Jono was shoved to a side by the teachers. He was uncontrollable. He still wanted to continue to trample on Kled but he could not because there were arms wrapped around him.
"Yes! You're son is insane! Have you seen what he has done to his fellow classmate?" The headmaster started to scream.
Jono's mother started to sob. She did not know what to do. She was afraid that her son would sooner become like her husband.
Jono, looking defiant and bleeding around his lips, sat on the chair, speechless. His backside was aching so much that he could not sit properly. Undoubtedly, he had been canned by the disipline teacher right after the fight and the crowd had dissipated.
''Was the victim hurt badly?"
"Badly? It was a vile act! Your son is a delinquent boy!"
Jono's mother gasped as she placed her palms over her mouth.
''Mom, Kled was the one who started it. He said I was-"
"No Jonovik. Shut up.." His mother frowned.
"It's true!" Jono got up as he strained his aching body.
"Cane him again!" His mother insisted.
Jono's body was pressed to the hard mahogany table. He could feel the shivers going down through him. His hands were on the table gripping the edges. He knew that the headmaster would cane him hard. So he closed his eyes and shrill at the biting pain. His mother just watched him at one corner thinking that he deserved this more than anything. She wanted him to learn from what he has done but the raw sight of her son getting cane bitterly was a displeasure to her. Jono exhaled deeply at the last strike. He fell on the office floor panting and vexing his pain whenever he sat on something.
"I have a solution for you," the headmaster said.
Jono's mother just looked at him. "You could send your son to a military school."
Jono disagreed with the statement. He did not like to stay overboard but he was to weak to object. It was like an uncivil treatment for him.
His mother just stared at the headmaster. She was afraid to look at her son's hurtful self.
"What military school is it?" she started to ask.
"There are many in Yaroslavl. You should send him there."
At first she had never considered on sending him to a military school, as she thought on, she felt as if her son was becoming more of a monster than of a human. Military school was suppose to disipline her son. She hoped it would happen. She did not want her son becoming a discourteous person. And so she thought on.
Jono, however, sat motionless on the floor. He thought about the consequences attending a military school. He could not see Yeva. Yeva which he truly love. She would understand him. According to him, she is more considerable and yet compassionate than his mother. He wanted to be with Yeva, to touch her, to smell her. Jono rasp at the darting pain which comes and goes. He breathed heavily and sat on the floor tormented, stinging in his caustic wound.
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The Paranoia Lifestyle #28
Feb. 5th, 2008 | 02:16 pm
moods: 
impressed
RONNIE
Oh my fucking God. Did Jake had sex with Sarah Stahl?
I couldn't believe my ears. Even I wouldn't do such a thing with that hopeless little bitch.
I stared at the stage. Sarah was smirking all the way. She was mean.
I told him so.
I turn to face Kay. Was she mad? I mean Jake was dating Kay wasn't he?
Kay looked surprised.
She faced me with her eyes wide open.
'Where's Jake?' She asked.
I shrugged.
She seemed tensed and not mad.
'Kay, are you mad about it?' I asked, bluntly.
'Mad? No. Why would I be?'
'I mean, Jake is like I mean-'
'Jake's not my boyfriend.' She said. That's it. Full stop. She's mad. I knew, by her tone.
'Ronnie! There you are!'
I turn and saw Haz running up to me together with Evan and Philly.
'Oh my God.' She said. Her eyes wide open.
I can't stand it. Everything is just happening like lightning.
My eyes revolved throughout the dance floor. Everyone was laughing. Laughing soo hard like it was a really hillarious joke.
I frowned. I felt angry. Why wasn't Kay concern?
I have to find Jake.
So I grabbed Kay's wrists and dragged her across the dance floor.
KAY
Part of me was like
'Haha, serves him right'
But the other part of me feels sorry for him. Why is this happening?
I followed Ronnie.
He was pissed.
When we finally went out of the dance floor. I could breathe.
My brain was just set to find Jake's figure.
Jake. Jake.
I paced forward. It was just like a really bad malfunction friendship relation.
I was particularly angry, to be honest.
I can't believe Jake had sex with Sarah! How could he? What does he sees in her?
Suddenly Ronnie shooked me vigorously.
'Jake!' He pointed.
He was quite amaeture at that time. My brain started to wind.
I saw Ronnie walking fast after Jake. Why was he soo concerned? I mean, he doesn't react like this before.
Maybe he was guilty of not telling him that he was a fag.
I sighed. Jake was soo mad. He started swearing and kicking the air and stomping his foot on the ground.
I just watch him and so did Ronnie.
'I'm sorry Jake..' Ronnie apologized.
'Sorry? I don't give a fucking damn about it! I mean-'
He broke off.
'Whatever, I don't care anymore..' He said
Me and Ronnie lifted our eyebrow.
'Doesn't care?' I asked.
He faced me angrily.
'I don't care about you guys anymore.. I just wanna' get out.'
I started breathing heavily. Doesn't care about me?
I do have to say, it was partially my fault that I never tell Jake stuffs because he was a one-time over-reactor.
I just bended my head.
'Why don't you care about us anymore?' I asked slowly.
He kept quiet.
Ronnie frowned while Jake folded his arms.
'I don't know. I mean life's unfair.' Jake said. 'I'm sorry.'
He started to walk away. I felt a little weird. I think I was heartsick, disconsolated.
Seeing his figure vanishing was like a stab in the heart.
I fowned.
5 weeks later
JAKE
Good luck. Best wishes.
Gawd. I stared at the computer screen. I hoped I fail my SAT and that I could get out of Berkeley. I mean I hate Berkeley. I do. Very much. It's not fun anymore where you can hang with Kay and Ronnie.
Over these past five weeks, I think everything is going on worse.
People do still call me a cheater that's why I wear a huge, oversized hoodie to cover up my face. So that no one could recognise me. Plus, I am starting to go back to the goth me. And not the weird croped headed Jake.
I mean everyone sports that kinda' hairstyle. I hate it.
I stared at the computer screen. In a couple of minutes I will get my SAT results. I hope I will fail.
My parents hope I'll pass.
Anything but pass.
I checked in my name.
The results started to appear. My eyes just circled around the screen.
Have I failed? Have I pass?
I mean I didn't really studied for this exam.
I stared hard. 1600.
sixteen hundred.
That's bad.
Bad, bad, bad.
I passed. Gawd, no.
I quickly shut down my computer and jumped on the bed.
No!
Why does these thing happen to me?
KAY
1700.
That's what I got. Oh My God! It's horrible! it's not even high!.
I pressed my palm over my eyeballs until it hurt.
I wonder what did Cole get?
'Kay!' My mum screamed. I took my palms out of my eyes and I could see stars.
I went down to the hall.
Mum was sitting in the dining room.She smiled at me. I knew she wanted to know how much I got.
'Well?' She asked.
'seventeen hundred.'
She just kept quiet. She was dissapointed.
'Well, that's okay..' She frowned.
'Yeah..I guess.'
There was a long pause.
'Well, it could be better if you didn't had went with that corrupted boy.' She cleared her throat.
I pretended not to hear her.
'I don't like him.' She said abruptly.
I looked at her bewildered. How could she say that when she doesn't even know who he is?
'What?' I asked her.
'Don't pretend you didn't hear me. I don't like him!' She yelled.
I was quiet displeased. 'Whatever. You don't own me anymore.' I rolled my eyes.
I quickly headed to the door.
'Thank God, his parents got divorced.' She said as she exhaled.
Why is she acting like some monster?
'Mum! Shut up!'
'How can I shut up when I have a hooker on the side of my daughter?' She screamed as she started sobbing.
I just didn't want to comfort her. I just wanted her to be that way. Serves her right.
I frowned and I grabbed the doorknob.
I opened the door and went straight out.
What's wrong with my mum? She's a lunatic.
I went down to the carpark. I wanted to see Cole. But I couldn't. I felt bad because of mum. Fuck her.
I sighed and started to head towards the elevator.
Instead I went to the basement.
The basement was really dark and eerie. I looked around and I can't see a thing. Well, I didn't want to waste my time exploring the basement so I went up the steep stairs to the rooftops.
I swung the door open hoping to see Cole standing at the edge of the place. But he wasn't there.
*bleep*
I sighed as I took my I-phone out of my pocket.
It was from Ronnie.
Was it good?
I stared at the screen.
I replied 'No' and sent it.
I could hear the sound of the cars below the building shuffling busily on the streets. The soft wind blew but none could caress my skin. The sky was dull. It seemed like everyday was like this. I rubbed my eyes.
I hate Junior year. It just sucks. Everyone is just so self-centered. Even I am.
I heard another bleep and took my phone out to read the message.
I smiled. Seems like Ronnie had scored an amazing 2300.
It was really high. almost perfect, but still good.
I looked around the rooftops. It was really empty. Like how I was feeling now. I slowly headed to the stairs.
I rushed down the stairs and almost tripped.
As I got to the carpark, I saw Cole getting to his car.
'Cole!' I screamed.
He turned back as he carried a large carrier around his back.
'Cole..' I panted.
'Hi..' He said, gloomily.
My smile quickly froze. I looked at his carrier. 'What's this for?' I pointed at it.
He fell silent.
A rush of anxiety filled my body. 'Cole, tell me...'
'Well, I'm staying with my Dad's for a while...'
'What's wrong here?' I asked.
'Well, I mean, people just doesn't want me to be here..'
I froze. People? Is it mum?
Did mum told Mrs.Brinley to move Cole? How could she?
'Is it my mum?' I shot.
He stared at me, afraid of answering.
'Well, it's going to be a while. Then I'll be back.' He said.
'How long is 'for a while'?' I asked angrily as I folded my arms.
'Well, a couple of weeks..'
I sobbed. 'Does this mean that I can't be seeing you that often?'
'Well..' His voice trailed off.
I felt a piercing pain in my heart.
'Cole, I thought you loved me?' I sobbed harder.
'Well, I can't. You know.'
'Can't you get over with it?' I begged.
I can't believed I actually begged for love. How lame is that?
'No Kay. I can't. I don't want to. I don't want to get screwed like last time..' He said.
'Last time?'
'Yes, last time..' He quickly broke eye contact with me.
I stepped back.
'So-how's your results?' I wiped my eyes.
I had to act like I was totally vindicated and that I had nothing to do with this.
He sighed. Then he shooked his head.
'Bye.' He said.
I faced him. That's all? Bye?
He just stared at me.
I forced a smile on my face.
'Bye..' I said.
He stepped closer to me. I stepped back but he just gripped my waist and kissed me.
I felt like this was a goodbye kiss. Well, it is but this isn't the last time I'll be seeing Cole isn't it?
I wrapped my arms around his waist. He broke off to catch his breath but he still continued kissing me.
I was really sad.
'I'm sorry Kay..' He stroked my hair and laid his chin on my shoulders.
I just lay my head on his and kissed his neck.
JAKE
I can't believe it. School was packed. Everyone was fussing about their results and stuff.
I head towards my locker and shove all my books into the locker. Everyone just stared at me like 'Is he the cheater?'
I hate those looks. It makes me mad. I rolled my eyes.
'Hi!' I looked and saw a gang of girls gesturing towards me making funny faces. I still hate school. Everyone just can't forget the prom incident. They just liked to make fun of me.
I frowned and headed to the washroom.
What a bad day to start school.
Heading straight to the washroom.
I got to the door and stopped. I'd rather not go in. I mean all the guys would laugh at me. That's even worse.
I want to go somewhere quiet. Away from the crowd.
I walked on. Headed to the Hallway C.
The haunted hallway. That's what they call it.
I gripped my sling bag and walked straight. How can I gain peace when the hallway was seriously dimmed and eerie?
I looked on the wall. There were picture of the school and quotes and stuff.
'Hi Jake..'
I sprang around and saw Alex Coleman.
He looked depressed.
'Hi.' I shot. I didn't like him after what he had said about me and done.
'Urm- do you mind if I talk to you for a second?'
'Sure..' I spat.
'Well, I'm sorry about that incident. I mean I shouldn't have even wrote that in the letter.'
'You mean the part where you hate tutoring me and stuff..' I said.
'I don't particularly hate it. It was quite fun tutoring you,' He smiled.
I am confused.
'Then why did you write-'
'That's the point. I want to tell you. I mean..' He trailed his fingers over his mouth like he had a hard time explaining something. 'Well, I just had to do something and I really had no time to tutor you. So I thought maybe by pointing to Mr.Barry that I didn't want to tutor you, I would have more free time to get to work..'
'What work?' I asked angrily. I still wasn't satisfied with his explanation.
'Well-' He cleared his throat.
He seemed nervous.
'I can't tell you..'
'Well, if you don't I'm going to tell Barry the truth.' I am seriously considering it. I mean Barry and half of the school thinks I am a lousy person because of Alex Coleman's letter.
'It's okay, I mean, he had enough of me..'
'What do you mean?' I spat. Why is he twisting his words until it becomes so confusing?
'Jake, I'm- I am the cheater.'
I stood there dumbstrucked.
Cheater? Alex Coleman?
'What the fuck? Are you serious?' I asked again.
'Yes.. I just can't take Barry and the students. I mean they're like...aiming on me...' He said.
Actually, I do feel partially bad for Alex. I mean the school depends on him and that they wanted him to achieve something in everything!
'Oh..so what's going to happen next?' I asked.
'Well, my future is ruined..' He said as he stared at the wall.
'Oh...I'm sorry...'
'I'm sorry too..The whole student body thinks you were the cheater. But Mr. Barry- I told him sooner..'
Yeah. Thank God. That's why Barry didn't come after me.
I just stared at Alex. He looks pretty sad himself like why did he do it?
'Well, the Seniors are off sooner or later. So lets just forget this..' He smiled.
I smiled at him.
KAY
'Ronnie! Congratulations!' I hugged him.
He seemed really happy.
I squirmed. Everyone in school was busily discussing over their results.
I saw Jake walking over to his locker. He looked calm.
I stared at him. He is lonely.
Everyone just makes fun of him since the prom thing.
I slowly approached him.
'Kay!'
I turn back and Ronnie was running towards me.
'Where are you going?' He asked puzzled.
I smiled and kept on walking.
'Hi Jake..' I said.
He looked at me.
I smiled. 'Well I was thinking that maybe we could go for a couple of breaks after school today..'I said.
'Why are you talking to me? I mean, don't you guys hate me?' He said.
Ronnie just stared at him. 'Well, I mean-'
'Jake, why did you think so?' I asked.
'Gawd, don't be stupid...' He replied.
'Yeah, you were jerky at that time..' Ronnie said.
Jake rolled his eyes. I nudged Ronnie.
'Owww, I mean it's the truth..'
'Thanks..' He shot. 'Promise me you guys have to tell me everything from what happened from the beggining of the year until today..'
'How bout from the beginning of our friendship?' Ronnie said, bluntly.
Jake's eyes went wide open.
'Fuck you. And you.' He pointed at Ronnie and me and started laughing.
We all cracked up laughing like mad people.
We walked down the school hallway together. Jake was looking at the Seniors.
'It's okay Jake, I mean, they'll be leaving in no time!' I said as I tapped his shoulders.
He smiled. 'Yeah, speaking of it. This is a paranoid world..'
'Nah, just this is just a paranoid lifestyle...The way we Berkeley's live..' Ronnie explained.
I just smiled. Nothing feels better than to talk to my own two best friends.
I cling my arms around them.
'Let's say we head to the burger stand today?' Jake recommend.
'Yeah, that'll be cool..' Ronnie answered.
I can't help it but I just felt really happy. Like this has brought peace back into my mind.
But I do still think of Cole. How his mental health was deteriorating. I had to let him go.
If I loved him, I had to let him go. I think he was thinking the same to.
I looked forward. The sun rays shine from above. It was a good day.
A good day to start a new beginning.
After all, this is the real world. Every story doesn't have to have a good ending.
We just had to think optimistic and not be a naysayer.
So that's why, this is what we lead to a more sensible lifestyle and not the paranoid one.
I heard the bell ring and we turn around.
Jake smiled. I smiled at him back.
'Don't we always skip school?' He asked
We nodded. Wow, truants.
I laughed and ran out of the school gates.
Lets make it this way. We run. But to a direction and to conclude it, a positive direction.
I turn back to look at Berkeley.
That's where the worse of all things happen. But nothing can stop us now for we are friends forever.
The End.
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The Paranoia Lifestyle #27
Jan. 31st, 2008 | 02:11 pm
moods: touched
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The Paranoia Lifestyle #26
Jan. 29th, 2008 | 02:12 pm
moods: 
hyper
Haz just wiped her eyes, solemly.
I felt bad for her.
Obviously, she was trying her hardest not to look beaten up. She wanted to look tough.
But still, she looked horrible.
After countless times of sobbings and mufflings, I saw Evan and Philly rushed down the stairs.
This is the time, Haz was waiting for.
She wanted to go berserk.
I looked at her. She looked furious.
Evan and Philly fidgeted once they reached the bottom of the stairs.
Actually, to be really honest here, I do feel bad for both of them.
I mean, it isn't Philly's fault that he's a fag and it's not Evan's fault that everyone calls him an arrogant brat.
Practically it is no ones fault.
I'm just saying in a third perspective viewer, mind you.
Evan stared at Haz and so did she.
'Whatever, I'm outta' here..' She said and she got her bag and started heading to the door.
'Err- Haz..' I heard Evan called after but she slammed the door.
I stared at Evan and Philly.
They both looked troubled.
I faced the door and ran after Haz.
'Wait- Haz! Wait up!'
She turned around.
I panted.
'Haz, I know what they did was totally wrong-'
'Wrong?! What the fuck?!' She rolled her eyes.
I just stared at her, speechless.
'I mean why did he do that?!'
I think hard but I couldn't come up with a good reason.
But still, maybe Haz didn't know that maybe Evan does like her. But he doesn't shows it.
I mean, lets think about it, it does seemed logical.
Maybe Evan was troubled himself too, unknowing where he should go.
But come to think of it, maybe we should try to think and understand why did that happened to us before it all falls apart.
'Haz, you don't have to be like this..' I said
She started sobbing.
I sighed and turned back.
Evan and Philly was discussing something at the door.
I stood at the garden, facing Haz.
She looked defended.
After all this while, you'll know that she was trying so hard to pretend.
She pretended like she was tough.
She pretended like she knew everything.
She frowned and stared at me.
'I don't know what are you talking about' She shot.
Her eyes swivelled in circles.
'I just want to forget this whole scenario.. If you mind..' She said as she got into her car.
I looked back to Evan and Philly. They were not that sad either.
'Thanks Ronnie..' Philly said as he tapped my shoulders.
I sighed.
JAKE
Someone cheated on the SAT.
True. Someone did.
The whole school found out.
But they didn't know who it was.
I was totally shocked.
I mean, you can't simply go cheat during the SAT! That'll ruin the Berkeley reputation.
My eyes scanned the whole cafeteria to see if anyone was giving a suspect list on who was the cheater.
I slobbed the sandwich into my mouth and started chewing.
I saw a vague figure of Lauren.
'Hi Jake..'
'Hi!' I said.
To be really honest, I liked Lauren, eventhough she was annoying at times.
She smiled and she sat beside me.
I smiled back but she quickly drove her eyes to her food.
'Err- Jake..' She stammered.
I turn to face her.
I hated the 'Err' and the stammering part. It proves that you are really guilty of some wrong doing.
'Yeah?' I frowned.
'Jake, Err-' She said as she started to whisper, 'Have you cheated on the SAT?'
I almost laughed my head off.
Me? Cheat?
As if.
'No... Why?' I joked.
She frowned. 'Jake, you can't laugh..' She said, seriously.
I shutted up.
'No..' I said firmly. 'What makes you think I did?'
'Well, I mean, part of the school thinks you did.'
I was overwhelmed by anger.
How could they? Doesn't mean that I was about to get suspended if I don't ace this test, doesn't mean that I cheated.
I looked at Lauren.
'Now, you think that do you?' I asked angrily.
'No-'
I frowned. She was lying. She did think I cheated.
'Whatever, suits you people, I mean, I am totally vindicated' I said as I chucked my sandwich.
I am really fucked up.
I mean, screw everyone, I didn't cheat.
I'm not a cheater.
I bet Barry thinks I did too.
I exhaled.
What'll happen next?
KAY
I stared at the parking lot. Still, no Volvo.
I felt a little ache in my heart.
I wanted to cry, I felt bad for Cole, eventhough it was his fault.
I can't tell Mrs.Brinley that Cole had ran away.
I mean she'll kill me for not stopping him.
But truly, he was intimidating.
'Hi there..'
I jerked my heart backwards and saw mum and Mrs.Brinley.
I was shocked.
Since Mrs.Brinley got divorce, my mum hanged with her like they were best friends.
'Oh hi..' I said.
'So, Kayla, how are you?' Mrs.Binley asked.
'Yeah, I'm good..' I said.
'Yes, I know..' She smiled.
I stiffened.
I get a funny feeling when I start talking to Mrs.Brinley.
'Yes, Cole talks about you..well, sometimes..'
I smiled, in a weird way.
'Well, Cole, he's a little loner, well he-he doesn't talk much at times.'
She smiled.
Yeah, he never talks to his parents because they'll surely murder him.
I just stood there and stared at the parking lot.
I hope he doesn't do anything stupid.
Hopefully.
to be continued...
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The Paranoia Lifestyle #25
Jan. 21st, 2008 | 02:08 pm
I sat on my desk, my head tilted to one side. I chewed on the end of the pencil.
I felt like my head was going to crack.
I tapped the pencil irritatingly onto the SAT exam paper.
What is it?
I can't figure the answer.
If I don't pass this, I'll be suspended.
I sighed.
Shit. I looked at Lauren who was in the same room as me.
She was sketching her answers soo hard.
I came back to my question and read it again and again.
I still can't seem to get it.
Anyways this is the last paper so why bother?
After the SAT
I have succeeded!
I have gone through hours and days and weeks of education torture. Now, I'm free!
I skipped down the hallway.
My sling bag hitting my ass.
I heard many people whooping around.Maybe I should exclaim that I am free. But wait until six weeks time and that will be the final whoop.
My K.Swiss tapped the ground as I hurried down the hallway.
I didn't care at all if I've fail or passed. As long as I have been through it and maybe, slightly done my best.
I looked forward and I saw Sarah Stahl.
She looked trashed.
I just stare at her to see if it really is her.
She didn't look pretty anymore.
Yes, she isn't, anyways who cares about her?
She'll be gone the next year.
I just passed her. She looked at me and I looked at her.
She smiled..well, in a 'I hate you' way.
And I smiled back. In a 'I don't care' way.
'Hi Jake...'
I turned and saw Lauren.
'Hi' I answered her.
She just looked at me like she has nothing else to say other than 'Hi'
I stared at her and lifted my eyebrows.
'So are you free today?' She asked.
Okay, I am 100% sure that I don't intend to talk nor have a break with the female sex since what happened to me and Kay.
I find them vicious.
..but maybe I could hang out for a while since the SAT are over.
'Yeah sure' I said.
Chillin' out...
I just sat at the table while stirring my coke.
I was seriously fucking bored.
I looked at her and she looked at me.
It was like in those boring movies.
She just faced me and said, 'Jake, I know this is really boring for you..'
'Yeah..' I said still stirring the drink..
She fidgeted.
She got frustrated and she just got up.
'I'm sorry Jake..' She sobbed.
I looked at her walking off.
Why is she like this?
Why is she crying for?
I quickly got up and ran after her.
I didn't want to hurt any more girls.
...Like I did to Kay.
I sped up and caught her arm. She was shocked and she sprang around.
'What's the matter with you?' I asked breathless.
She just made her sad face and didn't want to answer me.
'I just-'
I looked at her intently as her mouth starts to speak.
'I just want to get closer to you..' She frowned.
I frowned too.
What is she saying?
Is she hinting something?
'It's okay..' She said and she started to walk away.
I just stood there helplessly staring at her.
I quickly ran after her. I hated this running after routine and it seemed to be happening to me alot.
'Lauren-'
She turned back and my sudden reflexes told me to kiss her.
And I did.
She didn't hesitate but kissed me back.
I saw the passer-by's looking at us.
'Let's go somewhere private..' I whispered to her.
Private Spot
I just lay over her.
She was stark naked and sitting up on the bed.
I just stroke her back.
She hesitated.
Now what?
I rolled my eyes.
'Hey Jake?' She asked as she got on top of me, her lips almost touching mine.
'Yeah?'
'Will you go to the prom with me?'
I stiffened.
Prom?
I haven't been to a prom before.
How's it like?
'I dunno..'
She frowned.
'Hey, it'll be fun..' She said.
Fun? She's practically new here.
'Yeah..okay..'
She squirmed as she kissed me.
And this is where it begins.
I kissed her back, her fingers sliding across my face.
She stroke my shoulders and I did the same to her hair.
My fingers trailed her smooth legs.
I finally rested on her chests.
I was half dead.
She played with my hair.
I almost fell asleep but she didn't want me to.
So I kissed her neck and touched her.
She breathed on me as she tied her hands around me.
I just smiled at her.
She smiled at me back.
KAY
'Where are we going?' I asked Cole as he lead me to his mum's Volvo.
'Somewhere..' He said as he gave me a big grin.
I smiled back. He took my hands.
Finally we got in the car.
He started the engine and we were off to the road.
'So..what do you think of the SAT?' he asked.
'Okay..' I said.
I'm glad that it was over.
I didn't really study much for it.
I looked at the music player and hit a station.
Cole just kept on driving.
'Cole?' I asked.
'Yeah?'
'Have you loved someone before?'
He just kept quiet.
Okay, bad question. I just wanted to ask him.
'Yes, I did..' He said.
My eyes grew bigger.
'Who was it?'
He laughed but I just stared at him.
'Well, the first girl that I liked was this cheap asshole..'
'What?'
'Well, she was in my grade. We had French together..'
'You knew French?' I asked. All this while I didn't know who he really is.
I just cracked up laughing and so he did.
I looked out of my window. I didn't know where he was taking me to but let it be a mystery.
I like that.
I looked at the highways. The image was buzzing by. Cole was driving recklessly. His speed was at least 100mph.
I looked at him. He was just calm, as usual.
'Cole, where are you taking me to?' I asked.
He didn't reply.
The streets all coming to an end and the routes grew uncertain.
Was I going to be kidnapped?
Or raped?
My heart beats faster than usual.
'Cole?' I asked.
'Yeah?'
"Where are we going?'
'I told you, somewhere..' He said.
I didn't like it. In fact I was really scared. I wanted to call mum. But I didn't because she'll freak out if she finds out I am with Cole.
I turned back. There were no cars behind us.
I turned to Cole.
He is going to murder me.
'Cole, stop the car..' I demanded.
'Why?'
'Stop it!' I shrieked.
'Shut up!' He yelled back.
'Where are you taking me?!' I shrieked.
My eyes was so watery I can't really see.
How could Cole do this to me?
'You said you wanted to help me!'
I looked at him. Help him?
'What?' I asked.
'You said you wanted to help me!' He shouted.
'For what?'
He rolled his eyes.
I started sobbing.
I took out my phone and quickly dialed mum's number.
He turned to me.
'What are you doing?'
I didn't answer him.
He quickly snatched the phone away.
The car was skidding.
'Cole! Watch the road!' I screamed.
The car was moving mockingly.
He got to the wheels and steer it to the right lane.
'What's the matter with you?' He screamed.
'What's the matter with you!' I shouted back.
'I thought you said you wanted to help me.'
'What for?' I asked, confused. My eyes flowing with tears.
I remembered. I told him I wanted to help him for his bipolar.
But why is he referring to it now?
'To run away..'
I just stare at him bewildered.
'Cole, stop the car this instant..' I demanded.
He didn't. He looked mad.
'I can't..' He said.
'Why not?!'
'I have to run..'
'From what?'
'My parents!'
'Why?'
'They're gonna' kill me!'
'For what?!'
He didn't answer.
'You can't take me as a hostage you know.' I lunged to get my phone back but he hit me with his elbows.
I shook him.
'STOP THE CAR NOW!' I screamed.
He looked at me and he did eventually drove slower as he stopped at the pavement.
I quickly got out of the car and so he did.
I wanted to run away from him.
I screamed.
'What's wrong with you?' He asked.
I slapped him real hard until my palms hurt.
He stared at me.
I slapped him again.
'I hate you..' I said.
He just looked at me.
'Give my phone back..'
I was afraid he would kill me or something so I didn't want to over-react.
He gave it to me.
I sobbed so hard but I couldn't stand it.
He just looked at me. I wanted to slap him the third time but I couldn't because both his cheeks were fiery red.
I stood at the streets waiting for a cab to arrive. Cole on the other hand, started the engine and drived on.
I felt bad, like I lied to Cole.
I saw a cab ahead and stopped it.
At Home
I got out of the cab. My mum was talking to Mrs. Brinley.
She looked teary.
I was afraid they might ask where was Cole.
'Hi' I said, softly,
'Oh-hi..' Mrs. Brinley said. Her eyes were all puffy like she had just cried for an hour.
I looked at Mrs.Binley parking lot. It was empty.
'Cole's not at home. He went to see his Dad.' Mrs. Brinley sobbed.
I just stiffened. Dad? I thought they lived together?
'What?' I asked angrily.
Mrs.Brinley just smiled.
'Well, Cole doesn't live with his dad anymore..' She smiled.
I sobbed.
They turn to look at me.
'I'm sorry..' I said as I run back to the elevator.
Oh, Cole..
RONNIE
SAT. I think I did okay. I had confidence that I'll actually pass.
But it didn't seem right somehow. Like the group of guys I am hanging out with.
They had conflicts too.
Like how Haz is secretly in love with Evan
And how Evan sports all these bitchy girls.
Philly is just too dumb to know anything else.
I am just like one of them when it comes to Jake and Kay.
Maybe we have conflicts too but it really did tore us apart.
I turn to look at Haz. She was sitting on the couch in the other end oppesite Evan. She was pretending to be occupied but I bet she really is thinking about him.
Evan was staring at his beer and Philly was playing with his phone.
'So-' I said.
Everyone looked at me. I sighed. 'So what are we going to do?' I asked.
'Go for a walk!' Haz exclaimed.
Philly looked at her and nodded while Evan just frowned.
'Well I'm in..' I said.
'Me too.' Philly said.
'Then let's go!' Haz exclaimed
I got up and so did Philly.
'Philly..' Evan said.
We turn to look at him.
'Nah, I think I'll not go then..' Philly said.
Me and Haz just look at them. Haz looked really sad.
'C'mon Haz,let's go..' I said as I took her arms.
She trailed behind me.
'Are you okay?' I asked.
'Okay for what?' She asked.
'I mean, Evan..' I said.
'Nah..he's just a jerk..'
'Oh..you think so?'
'Yeah...he-he is..' She said.
I just kept quiet.
'I don't know why...'
We walked along the grassy lane.
'Hey, so Ronnie, you want to go to the prom with me?' She asked silently.
'Prom?'I shrieked.
She kept quiet and just stared at me.
'Well, I didn't know you'd go to proms' I asked surprised
'Well, I figured that I want to at least try to..' She said
'Yeah..'
'So will you?'
'Okay..'
She smiled.
'Thanks Ronnie!'
I felt like I was talking to Kay but it wasn't. It was Haz.
Haz was sitting in the garden and I went into the kitchen to get two cans of Coke.
I looked around. the television was on but Evan and Philly wasn't here.
I frowned.
Were they upstairs.
I slowly crept to the stairs.
I heard some mufflings.
I reached the top stairs and a small giggle burst out.
I walked to the door.
'Psst..Ronnie..'
I looked down and saw Haz.
'What are you doing?' She asked.
I shrugged. She slowly came up to me.
I crept closer to the door.
Haz behind me. She was overlooking my shoulder. We peeped through the door.
I saw Evan smiling and Philly smiling too.
They both were on the bed, sitting crossed-legged.
This is how their conversation goes-
'..Yeah.'
'Why? What about Haz?'
'Yeah..she's okay. I mean she-'
'Wait, what about that Ronnie guy?' I saw Philly asked.
'Why? What's wrong with him?'
'I mean he's like the kinda' bugger...'
'What? So? He's gay..'
'Yeah so?' Philly shot.
'Yeah, duh, gay..' Evan gestured.
Philly sighed.
'Why Evan?' He asked.
'Because you want to..'
'What about Bronwen? Or Haz?'
'Who cares about them?' I saw Evan smirked.
Haz must be soo heartbroken.
I mean,' Evan continued 'I just want to try it out..' He smirked.
Philly smiled.
Haz gasped.
I just froze.
'It's just like having sex with a girl but this is opposite...' Philly sounded rather embarassed.
'Okay..'
Evan slowly unhooked his pants uncertainly while Philly's pants was around his ankles.
Haz gasped louder and I think they heard her.
I quickly ran down the stairs and Haz followed me.
I spun around and she was crying soo hard.
I felt bad for her.
I sighed.
to be continued...
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The Paranoia Lifestyle #24
Jan. 16th, 2008 | 02:48 pm
moods: 
moody
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The Paranoia Lifestyle #23
Jan. 14th, 2008 | 02:22 pm
moods: paranoid
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The Paranoia Lifestyle #22
Jan. 9th, 2008 | 02:23 pm
moods: 
hungry
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The Paranoia Lifestyle #21
Jan. 8th, 2008 | 02:57 pm
moods: rushed
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The Paranoia Lifestyle #20
Jan. 4th, 2008 | 02:33 pm
moods: 
giddy
KAY
I remember everything.
In fact, I can replay it very clearly.
I glanced at my SAT Advance English book.
The words keep twisting and bending until I can't figure what it is.
I stared at the people in the cafeteria and closed my eyes, dwell in my thoughts...
And I remembered how Jake slipped his hands over my chests.
I remembered how he pressed his lips against mine and kissed me hard.
Without a sound, he traced his hands, slowly up my legs.
Jake was vividly alive in my vast mind...
I didn't shove, nor struggle, nor move.
Because, I liked it.
I liked how he showed it to me, how he breathes on me, how he stroke my black and layered hair and kisses me with his eyes closed.
I liked it.
But, I didn't realise that I was only one turn in making a big mistake.
He showed me and he even rekindles my thoughts.
I sat on the bed, soundless, letting him do what he wants.
But it struck to me. 'Does he loves me?'
I sat and I could only look at his wide, brown eyes.
I thought staring into someone could bear the answers.
But this time, it didn't.
I saw Jake, vividly lying beside me, his hands on my shoulder while I was lying and facing him.
I saw him took deep breaths once he'd shut his eyes.
All the mysterious and wonderful things were shut dead.
I can even remember how he smelt like. He has this mild and pure smell.
This time, I stroke him instead.
I stroke his hair, down to his shoulders and feeling his bones under my skins.
The feeling of intimacy and affection rose.
I looked at him. He had dozed off.
He looked angelic. His face looks perfectly beautiful.
I slowly closed my eyes.
But-
But, everything did end soo soon.
His phone rang, said that he had an errand to run to.
I didn't want him to get up. I wanted him to lie until he would leave a little scent of fresh chamomile on the bed.
I sat on my bed. The world seems to be darker after he left me lying, deserted, alone, afraid.
I didn't know whether he loved me.
I didn't...
I was scared at that point.
I looked at my SAT and shuffled it away and took out my notebook instead.
I traced the lines and angles across the notebook with my pencil.
'Jake',I wrote.
I looked at it and turned to the opposite blank page.
I wrote, 'Kayla'
I can't pretend to myself.
I can't run from myself.
I can't lie to myself.
I did love him.
but I didn't know whether he loved me.
So I continued to sit on my chair, until the dismissal bell went on.
I closed my book and stuffed it into my bag.
I hate to break it, but, it seems like it was weeks ago since I last met Jake.
Now it seems like it was in the beginning of February. The month of love.
Valentines day..it seems.
I haven't seen Ronnie either. I can't reach him and that was the worst part.
I walked down the school's hallway and I saw many people heading to the door.
I turned to my right.
I approached the 'student's board' where there was the latest news about the school.
'Late intake for the Berkeley High Cheerleaders'
I made a face. Yucks.
Cheerleaders, they suck.
'Cheerleading huh?' someone said.
I turn and saw Thea Alain, standing beside me.
'Thea!' I squealed.
She lifted her eyebrows.
'Thea oh come on, I'm soo sorry!'
'Yeah, I know, but you just oughta' not talk to me..'
'But Thea-' I said, my throat tightening and my eyes swelling.
How can she be so mean? Has she changed?
She quickly swift her hair back with her Evita hairband.
She cocked her head and said, 'Why? Why is it soo hard for me to forgive you?'
'I dunno-'
'Well, let's see, you embarass me, Kay!' She snapped.
What?!
'Yes, you do, that's the truth. No one likes you... you're like a skank...Okay?' she continued.
I struggled not to cry.
Why is she like this? What happened?
'Anyways,' she said, 'Stop thinking that I need the pity on, I mean my Dad got all his money back, so it's you that are gonna' need all the pity. I'm just, you know, gonna rule the school' she said.
Fuck. What does she mean?
I knew I shouldn't hang with her!
She's a snob. In fact an asshole.
'What happened to the old you?!' I shrieked.
'I threw it away, I mean people change,' She said and she walked off.
What's happening? Just it seems that the world is putting back to pieces and now it is falling apart.
I ran to the hallway and out to the school gates. I didn't want to be here. I want to go.
I passed Tratini's bar, and I sobbed harder. Dad.
Finally, I reached my home. By the time I was there, my face and eyes were soaked.
I covered my face so that no one can look at me.
I dashed for the elevator.
Then I smelt the smell of smelly smoke.
Joints. Marijuana.
I turned and saw Cole. He was staring at me, wide-eyed.
For the first time in my life, I was glad to see him.
'Hi Cole!' I sobbed, hard.
'Hey..' He said sniggering. 'I told you to choose your man wisely..'
'No, no, it isn't about that..' I said and rubbed my eyes.
He smiled ' good..' and started to walk off.
I followed him. 'Cole where are you going?'
'Somewhere..'
'Where?'
'The rooftop..I guess..'
He looked hesitant and he scratched his head.
He looked up at me and quickly head for the elevator.
The Rooftop
I felt stupid. I felt as if the word 'blank' was stamped on my face.
I didn't know Jake, it seems. Seems like he had grown very much in his thoughts.
I didn't know much about love either.I was just naive.
I stared at Cole. He was squatting on the ground, inhaling his joint and finally exhaling the smoke.
I felt a rush in my body. Cole gives me goosebumps.
I didn't know what I felt towards him. He just seems, very much attractive to me eventhough he had a fadded blue Gap shirt and a pair of torned jeans.
'Hey Cole..'
He didn't say anything.
'..have you studied?' I asked
Of all questions, I asked the stupidest one first.
He didn't reply.
'Cole?'
'I have Sophophobia okay?'
I lifted my eyebrows.
He turned to me and said, 'It means the fear of learning. I can't learn. I'm stupid...' He exhaled more smoke.
'Do you?' I asked.
'What do you mean?' He frowned.
'Maybe, you are just lazy..'
He got angry, 'Am I?'
'I don't know..what else do you have in your mind?' I asked
'Hmm..let's see, maybe, Somniphobia and a pile of weird feelings you get when you are in a disorder!' He yelled and walked off.
'Wait! Co-' I quickly grabbed his hands.
'What's the matter with you?' He asked.
'No, I'm sorry..' I said.
'Really? Sorry then you'll go playing with my feelings again..' He slammed.
'Tell me what's the problem Cole! I can help you!' I shrieked.
He turned to me. We were standing right in the middle above the building. The wind blew soo hard that my hair was all over my face.
'I want to help you!' I said.
He softened and sighed.
'You can't..' He said.
'Why?'
'Because you can't..'
'Tell me the reason!'
'What can you do? Give me Meds?' He barged.
I released him.
'Well, I don't like to sleep.'
'What?' I asked. Sleep?
'Well, you'll never know the next thing that will happen to you once you get up..It's like I have weird phobias...' He said.
'Phobias?' I asked.
'Yeah..many, I can list them for you..' He said.
'But why?' I asked, again.
'I don't know. It just happens. It just starting to appeal to me. I don't even know whether I want to eat!'
'Cole, this is serious.. you better stop smoking joints..' I said.
'But I like it..' He answered, reluctantly.
'But- I mean it's bad for your health and your brain..' I said.
He sighed.
'I think your bipolar is causing all the phobias..' I said.
He shrugged like he didn't care at all.
I stood there and froze. My heartbeat beats faster every second.
'Cole..' I said, slowly. 'Do you ever feel like commiting a suicide?'
He looked at me and smiled.
'No, never..' He said bluntly. But I knew he was lying.
That's what he was thinking right in his mind.
That solves it. He hates the world, he hates school, he hates his parents, he hates his friends and he even hates..
ME!
He looked to the ground. I can't blame him. Bipolar disorder really plays with your emotions.
'Anyways, I got to go..' He said.
'You sure Cole?'
'What?'
'You don't need help. I know a -'
'S'okay, I'm okay...' He smiled.
'Oh..'
'You just stop thinking about me, Missy..' he grinned and he walked off.
I watched the view.
The gray sky hanging in the air.
The birds flying here and there.
The leaves blew on my face.
What happened to the boy I used to play tag with?
What ever happened to him?
Seems like he has more questions than I do myself... Poor Cole.
I sobbed hard.He had to suffer.
JAKE
I want to close all my thoughts. Swallow them into my secret mind and lock in forever. I didn't want anyone to read me that easily.
I skipped around the pavement. I didn't want to splash in the puddle of melting ice.
Today, I have been invited to join Karen and co. to party at her pad.
I didn't know what to wear at first so I just put on my Armani jacket, which was pitched black and had white stripes all along the sleeve's line and also my colduroy black pants and a pair of K.Swiss.
I know it is a weird way to dress to a party, but I didn't really care at all.
All that was in my head was Kay.
I haven't heard from her for soo long.
I didn't want to know her.
It seems like she was more interested in my body rather than my feelings.
I didn't get her. I wanted to know her, but she wasn't giving me a chance.
So I gave up. I gave up in trying.
The last time I had sex with her was a long time ago. Seems like our lives have moved on.
February was still cold. You can feel it down your bones.
I saw the distant lights. I knew it was Karen's pad.
I went in the door and into the party.
'Jake! You finally came!' Patricia said.
Woah, the party was really empty. I saw Karen and Patricia were bitting off a slice of pizza. There was Cindy and a guy, hanging out.
'Jake, feel free to take a punch!' Cindy said.
I pbeyed and took a glass of punch and sip it.
'So Jake, this is Keith..' Karen introduced me to the weird guy who was sitting with Cindy.
'Nice to meet you..' I said.
'Cool..and you are?'
'Jake..'
'Okay...cool! I'm in a band by the way..' He said.
'What band?'
'The Keevers..'
Oh...They must suck, never heard of them..
11pm
I am sitting in a circle, playing truth or dare. Which I hate this game.
Lately, I was lucky and that's why the bottle hasn't pointed to me yet.
Karen spinned the bottle.
The mouth of the bottle faced Cindy.
'Truth or dare?' Karen asked, bored.
Obviously, they wanted me to be the victim.
'Truth..'
Karen and Patricia thought hard.
'Are you like hitting on Keith?' Patricia asked.
I looked at Cindy, she was blushing.
'Duh!' She said.
Gawd, girls. They are soo unexpected.
All of them laughed except Cindy. She turned to look at Keith. His hair was like a mob and he had freckles. He smiled at her and she smiled back. I know that kinda' attention. It means she was horny. I rolled my eyes and to my horor, I saw the bottle's mouth pointing towards me.
'Truth or dare?' Karen asked, excited.
'Dare..' I said. I didn't want to tell anything to these bunch of girls that I don't trust.
They thought hard and they started to whisper.
They got up and walked off. So that leaves me with Keith.
'..Do you ever understand them?' He asked.
'What?' I asked.
'..Girls..' He rolled his eyes.
I laughed, 'Yeah, they are weird at some point.' I said.
Suddenly I saw Karen, Patricia and Cindy coming back holding wine glasses.
'Here..' Cindy handed to me.
I looked at it and lifted my eyebrows.
She poured in vodka, sake and wine.
She smiled. What is this? A new experiment in making a new drink?
I smelled the mixture, it smells really strong and the liquid looks pale red.
Karen took my glass and squeezed lime and orange in it. Gawd, that'll taste soo horrible.
'Drink it!' She said.
I looked at it.
I smelled it and the smell went in my nose like toxic.
I coughed, it was soo strong.
I sipped it, and the liquid tastes like poison, burning my throat and leaving a bitter and yet sour taste in my mouth. I panted for water, but every one laughed at me.
I took another sip, and the rush of the liquid pierced my tongue and my throat like needles making it dry.
I grimaced. I didn't like it. It tasted horrible.
'Okay, here you go..' Patricia handed me a glass of wine while she was chuckling.
I clasped my throat and sipped the wine down.
'Hey Jake, are you like dating anyone currently?' Karen asked.
I shooked my head.
Was Kay my date?
no, I don't think so.
She was like my sex partner.
'Oh great! I mean, I can tell you, all the girls in the school practically has a crush on you!' Karen exclaimed.
I almost choked.
'What?!' I said
'It's true..you're like rising to porpularity, Jake,' Patricia interrupted.
Rising? Porpularity?
'Oh..' I said, dumbstruck.
I wasn't very comfortable with the word 'porpular' referring to me.
'Is it why you invited me to this party?' I asked.
'What?' Karen said, pretending.
'You think I'm porpular and you invited me to your party. Is it true?' I explained.
Nobody answered.
I didn't like people who were soo deluded.
I think Kay was deluded, that's why I didn't like her.
'Jake, I mean..' Karen's voice trailed off.
'It's okay I get it..' I said and got up.
RONNIE
'So, Ronnie, why do you think you're here?' Mr. Lawson asked.
He was my therapist. I had been going for therapy since the last three weeks.
'I don't know. My mum thinks I'm sad..' I said.
'Oh really?' He said.
Everyday, he would ask the same question.
'What do you think of the female sex?' He asked again.
Mr. Lawson was a creepy guy. He had this smiley face which can last him for eight hours without breaking a smile. He had brown hair and a metal rimmed spectacles.
'Urm..' I said.
I think they are disgusting.
He sighed. He wasn't getting to know me.
'Okay, thank you Ronnie, see you tomorrow,' he said. I got up and slammed the door.
My mum got hold of my hand.
'How was it?' She asked.
I didn't want to answer.
'Ronnie..' She said as she tighten her grip on my hands.
'Mum! Cut it out! it hurts!' I yelled.
She let me go.
I rubbed my arms. My parents have gone nuts. They thought I was a lunatic.
I walk further from my mum until we reached the car.
My mum wouldn't get in the car unless I get on it first.
I sat on the back seat.
'Well how was it?' She asked again, but this time, impatient.
'Okay..'
'Okay?' She asked.
'Mum, can you at least give me my I-phone back?' I begged.
My parents have taken everything away from me. They took my phone, my Tivo, my internet acess, my posters on my wall and my CD's. I was like a trapped soul. I didn't know why would they want to do this to me..They were torturing me mentally.
I was depressed at this point. Can't they see I was happier this way? As a gay?
Matt wasn't at home because he moved carry on with college.
He told me, once he'd get back, he'd want me to change.
Completely, entirely. That sounded ridiculous.
'Ronnie!' My mum shouted.
'What?' I shouted back.
'What's gone into you?!' She yelled. 'Why won't you tell me how was it?!'
'It was OKAY!'
'What do you mean by 'Okay'?'
I shut my mouth. I stare out of my window sill. I hated my mum and so my dad and Matt.
At Home
'Oh yes?...Okay..right..yes...bye..' My mum put down the phone. She sighed and she rubbed her temples.
'Tell me what's wrong Ronnie..'
I didn't move. My dad was sitting in front of me in the living room. Lor was having a sleepover party at her friends house.
'Mr. Lawson called me. He said, from day one 'till today, you haven't progressed..' my mum shrieked.
I didn't want to answer. Why are they bragging to me? I mean therapy is no use at all! I was happy and if they think that bringing me to therapy will allow me to be happy again, they were wrong. Totally wrong.
'When am I getting back to school?' I asked angrily.
'Ronnie stop with all these questions! We have tonnes of questions that we want to ask you and you are not going to shut us out!' My mum screamed.
'But I'm fine without therapy! I don't even need it!' I said and got up.
'You know what?..' My dad said.
I looked at him while he edged closer towards me.
'I think you don't have to go to that school anymore..' He said
'But Dad!' I shrieked.
I didn't want to leave Kay. I was mortified.
'Dad, you can't do this to me..' I said as I slammed my fist on the stair's banisters.
'Yes I can..' He said.
I wanted to smash him in the head. All I wanted to do now was moan. Moan over my parents. Beg them not to let me leave school..
I din't know why I loved that school soo much, it must be because of Kay.
'Dad..' I said, lowering my head and my voice.
'Ronnie,' My mum staggered. 'You have to change, that's why..'
I can't help it, I really wanted to smash my parents.
'No..'
My dad got angry and the next thing I know I was kneeling on the ground and my left cheek was searing with madness.
I wanted to slap him myself.
He pulled my shirt up and heaved me up the stairs.
'Now get in your room..' He said as he shut the door.
I quickly jumped on the bed. Whta's happening? Something is terribly wrong. I mean what's wrong with being a gay?
I clasped my pillow really hard.
I squirm. I hated my life.
This is like torture. The hell lot.
to be continued..
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The Paranoia Lifestyle #19
Jan. 2nd, 2008 | 09:28 am
moods: annoyed
I drove my mum's Mercedes down to 4th Lane in Drover's Avenue. I parked my car in the porch and sat in it for a while.
Finally I'm home.
I got out of the car and head to the door.
I click it open...
I feel odd.
My parents and Matt are sitting in the hall. My mum was fidgeting, Matt's playing with his fingers. He does that when he is nervous. And my dad, well, he's reading a newspaper.
'Hi!' I said and I hurried up the stairs.
'Ronnie! Come down here! We need to talk to you!' I heard my mum called.
So, I obediently went down the stairs and face them.
What do they want to talk to me about?
My parents face me and so did Matt.
They look murderously pissed.
My mum frowned and said, 'Is there anything you want to tell us?'
What? This is weird...
'Urm-nothing..' I stammered.
What is she talking about?
She sighed. 'Ronnie, is there anything you want to talk about?'
I looked at my parents. They look angry. In fact, worst than angry! Their eyes were glued to me.
'No..' I shooked my head.
'Really?' My father got up.
Uh-oh..
I backed away.
Did Matt told them? Did he?
'Are you a gay?' My dad asked.
Oh my God! Matt did tell them! I turned to Matt.
'Matt!' I yelled.
'Just shut up Ronnie, this is for your own good!' My mum said.
'..Well, everyone in the family thinks you're weird..' Matt said
Do they? How could they?
'How could you Ronnie?' My mum continued.
'How could I what?' I said, my throat a little tight.
'Why did you do this?'
I frowned. Now they're blaming me.
'It's like you're betraying me. Why didn't you tell me in the first place?' My mum sobbed.
I stared at everyone in horror.
'Answer her..' My dad shot.
'I-I didn't betray you..' I answered, clueless.
How did I betray them?
'Ronnie, listen, everyone..' Matt said as his eyes circled the room, 'I mean everyone, thinks that you are weird okay? Not liking girls and then you never talk to them-'
'Yes I do! What about Kay? She's a girl!' I said.
'So? That's like one girl...'
'What are you trying to say then?' I asked Matt.
'Everyone, hate weirdos, okay? Don't you get it?'
Mum and Dad didn't say a word. It was obvious that they agree with Matt. Don't they have a little sympathy for me?
'Listen, you are going to change..' My mum said.
Now, she sounds like Julien's parents.
'No.' I affirmed.
My dad got angry and gripped my shoulders. He waved his index finger to me, it was quite intimidating. 'Yes you are. You listen to your mother..' He said coldly.
I stood there, before them.
Why are they soo mean?
How can they do this to me?
Why did Matt tell them?
It's my life!
My mum sighed. She was ashamed.
'Ronnie go to your room..' She said.
I went upstairs. My parents and Matt were discussing. I reached the top of the stairs and I saw Lor. She was clinging to the banister.
She looked at me. I think she was clueless.
'Did BB do something wrong again?' She asked
'Nope...' I shook my head and slammed my door, shut
Fuck Matt.
Fuck my parents.
Fuck life.
Fuck everything.
JAKE
Saturday
I sat in the cold chair. My heart beats rapid. What if I screw this up?
I looked at the time. 10.34am.Shit. Tough luck. I look at the shiny piece of metal, arranged nicely beside me. And the toxic smell waved through the whole place. I could choke. I sat there like a mannequin. The plastic sheets all around my body, choked my neck. I am scared.
'Jake, loosen up...It's just a haircut..'My mum advised.
What if it turned out ugly? My mum hasn't have a keen style on men.
My three hard months of growing my bangs is now snipped and chopped to pieces.
'Mum, what haircut am I getting anyway?' I asked, shaking.
'It's a suprise..'
Suprise? I hated suprise haircuts.
'Mum?! Tell me!' I insisted.
'You'll like it!' She squealed.
What if I don't? She'll be screwed. I have a reputation in school! She can't simply go changing the way I look.
After a while, the hairstylist stopped what she was doing. I quickly closed my eyes. I knew it was going to suck. My head feels so light, so that means it was really short.
The hairstylist brush off the acess hair that was on me. I shut my eyes tighter.
Oh Gawd...
'Jake, you can open your eyes.'
I reluctantly opened them..
I was shocked, suprised, dumstrucked, double whammy!
I felt the collision of my heartbeat.
What the fuck is this?
I looked like a fucking loser!
My fringe was above my eyes. My hair was short. Short for God's sake.
It was messy. My sideburns were short too! Like the kinda' hairstyles jocks love.
I stroked my hair.
'Wait, I think you'll need this..' The hairstylist said as she told me to take a seat in the chair again. What is she going to do now??
She took out some gel and started to spike my hair up.
I look horrible. I examined myself.
My hair was now spiky on the top. Not like my usual spiky, the short spiky.
Then my sideburns was short, my short, thin bangs was hanging on my head, falling over to my forehead.
I sighed.
I suck.
'Isn't it nice?' She asked me, once we're out of the hairdresser.
'Nope.' I sulked.
I flopped the hoodie over to my head.
'Jakey, take it off..'
'Nope..'
'Why? It looks nice. It enhanced your look..'
'Shut up, mum..'
My mum kept quiet and walked pass some designer store. Her eyes were glued to them.
'Mum, can I go somewhere else?' I asked.
'Where?'
'I dunno. Maybe to get a drink..' I said.
She frowned. 'Okay...'
I scooted off the mall. Headed straight to a fast food corner. My body started to itched. The small snipped hair started to poke my skin and itched.
I looked down my jumper. It was the one I bought from Hot Topic.
'Dead!' It stated on the front of my shirt. Obviously it was from My Chemical Romance. It was a bestseller then. I reluctantly took it out. If I wore it, it'll itch more. I took it out and scratched myself in a weird way, that everyone was starting to stare at me. I ruffled my hair and tied the jumper around my waist. So, I just had my gray Gap shirt on my back.
Great, how am I going to cover my head now?
I quickly scooted off, forgetting the drink.
Oh My God. I look ugly and pathethic.
I got to a CD store. I pretended to rummage through the CDs but in fact I was still scratching myself.
'Jake?'
I quickly turned around. To my horror it was Karen and co.
Karen was a Junior. She was pretty eventhough she was a slut. She hangs out with all these weird sluts and everyone calls them Karen and her company. That's Karen and co. for short.
'Yeah..' I said, softly.
'Wow, you had a haircut!' She squealed.
I laughed and at the same time I almost cried.
Was she making fun of me?
'What are you doing here?' Patricia asked embracing her bosoms.
'urm- just getting a CD..' I said.
'What CD?' she asked again.
Weird, they never talked to me, and now they seem like a bunch of hypnotised people wanting to hit on me.
'Enter Shikari's..' I lied. In fact I've already had their CD.
'Cool..We're gonna get Kate Nash's' She said.
I grinned weirdly. It feels odd talking to them.
'Cool..so see you around Jake..' Karen said.
'Yeah..' Patricia went as she stride her fingers across my chest.
I glanced at the girls. Girls are weird. No one will ever understand them.
KAY
Today was a particularly black Monday. Last Friday, my mum picked me up from school. She brought me to this suprised party she was attending. I didn't want to go but I had to. It was boring. I didn't know anyone. All the party-goers are senior citizens.
I sat at one corner, thinking.
Like what I was doing now. Sitting on my desk, during ET, waiting for the teacher to arrive.
'Hi Kay.'
I turned around and I think my heart beat twice at a time.
It was Jake. He looked soo......handsome.
'Jake?' I asked.
'yeah..' He grinned as he ruffled his hair.
He looked amazing! His hair was short, enhancing his deep brown eyes and his features.
'Wow, you look...amazing..' I compliment
'Really? You think so?' He asked.
I smiled.
'Hey, do you mind if I sit beside you?' He asked.
I nooded,'Sure..'
We had a silent moment for a while. Then I saw Sarah walked in the class.
The one thing I hated about ET was that Sarah was in the same class with us.
I saw Jake turned to face her, his eyes gleamed with anger.
'Is there something wrong Jake?' I asked.
'No..Not at all..' he said but he continued to stare at her, like he was waiting to pounce.
I sighed and looked at my phone. Where is Ronnie?
I didn't spot him today.
'So how's it going?' Jake asked.
'Okay..' I answered.
Jake looked adorable. He looked so sophisticated until I forgotten that I was mad at him.
'Cool..' He smiled.
I almost died. He looked better when he smiled.
I bit my lip. I was nervous. It was weird. I felt nervous being around Jake since I had sex with him. Your body feels attracted to him.
'So how's your studying going on?' He asked.
'Er- Okay I guess..' I said.
I didn't want to talk to him about normal stuff you get to talk about everyday. I wanted to talk about something else. Sex, perhaps.
'Soo-' He said, just to get my attention. I knew he was out of questions.
'Jake, have you had sex with anyone else apart from me?' I asked.
I sounded weird because Jake's eyes widened.
'Maybe..' He said.
I froze. He did? With whom? But that's not nice asking him about his personal life..
I had to study him to like him. I had a mission, I wanted to know more about boys.
'Oh..' I said.
'Urm- yeah...' He said, starting to blush.
Boys wouldn't get hurt. Not like girls do.
'So Jake, you free today?' I asked.
I sound soo weird, because I sounded as if I was demanding for sex.
'Yeah..I guess.' He said as he thought hard.
I burst out laughing.
'Jake..' I said a little softer.
'Yeah?' He leaned closer.
I placed my lips beside his ears and whispered, 'Would you show me how to do it again?' I asked.
He looked appalled.
'But..what if you start to hate me?' He asked.
I looked at my notebook. True. What if I hated him? What if he screwed me up?
What-what if he hates me?
'It's okay..' I said, blushing.
The thing is, I sounded very stupid. I sounded silly.
Jake turned to me. 'Okay..' He smiled. His cheeks flushed as his eyes glowed.
I was excited.
'Great...' I said.
Inside of me was jumping for joy! He didn' reject me!
Later...
I sat on the cubicle in the bathroom. No one was in here, except me. I didn't want to pee or anything. I just wanted to sit and think.
Of course, I had to wear my favourite lingerie today. Jake will love it.
I looked down at my notebook. I scribbled Jake's name on it and drew little hearts and birds and arrows. I think I get it now.
I get it, why people feel nice once they are in love.
I sat there and scribbled.
Just then, the bathroom door slammed open.
'Oh My God! How did you do that?' asked a girl.
'Of course with the help of Kristofer... I mean she deserves to be punished way worse.. Have you seen what she did to me?'
I recognised that voice, it was Sarah's
' I mean, face it, her dad's broke. She practically lies to everyone and she even wanted to blackmail me.. I soo hate her..'
The other two girls burst out laughing.
'So what did you do?' one of the girls asked. She had a pitchy voice. I think it was Sandy.
'Like every girl deserved. I tore her D&G dress, splashed the whole bottle of wine on her and her two little stupid friends... God, it soo didn't look good on her. It makes her look fat! You should see the look on her face..' Sarah said.
'Oh you are soo like Paris Hilton..'
'Shut up Ronda, Paris Hilton eat carbs, I don't..'
'Oh yeah what happened next?' Sandy asked, excited.
'Duh, she cried. She looked soo ugly. She looked like a retard actually. Retards don't wear designer clothes, they wear Realitee...' Sarah snorted.
'Whatever..' Ronda said.
'Weird, I can't believe there are such weird people like her even exist! I mean this is like the paranoid world... She can't simply exist!' Sarah continued.
'I heard she begged you.' Ronda said.
'Duh...she said that I had to take her back as her friend.. I asked her 'why?' and she just said 'because I am surrounded by freaks'..Yucks, isn't she pathethic or what?' Sarah said.
Did Thea really said that? She was surrounded by freaks? Was I the freak?
'Oh what happened to the third class freak?' Ronda asked.
'She went off. God. She was like soo whatever. I hated party crashers..' Sarah said.
'Duh! She's a lesbien! They have no other life..' Sandy said.
'Whatever, the reason everyone calls her lesbien it's because, I said it first... She isn't a lesbien..She's a retard lesbien..'
They burst out laughing.
'Hey Ronda, check out the Berkeley Boozers, post a forum 'bout them. This time skip the initials and put their real names on it..' Sarah said.
What in The Name of Hell is happening? Thea said Sarah told her to shut Berkeley Boozers down! And now she wants to post something in it?! Is she nuts? Or maybe, she accessed it..And why did she hate Thea soo much? I was confused. I couldn't stand it. I got up and pushed the door open.
I saw Sarah putting on her lippy. Ronda and Sandy stood beside her.
'Oh hello, it's the freak..' Sarah said.
'I can't believe you did that to Thea!' I yelled.
'Honey, she deserved it. Sooner or later you'll hate her too..' Sarah said.
I felt defeated.
'See ya 'round...lesbien freak..' she said as she giggled.
I stood there, wanting to cry. But I had to be strong. I can't cry.
Later, I walked down the empty hallway. Jake said to meet him at the entrance of the school. We'll not have sex at our homes he said.
I walked slowly and sadly. I paced forward and not wanting to carry on. The place was quite empty. Everyone looked at me and thought I was a weirdo, stopping at the middle of the hallway. I looked at my shoes. I let my hair slide down my face.
Suddenly I felt a nudge.
I looked up and saw Alex.
'What's wrong with you?' He asked.
'Nothing..' I said.
He was carrying his textbooks. 'Good, I thought you were falling asleep..' He laughed.
I smiled. He looked at his watch, 'Wow, I'm going to be late..' He said as he started to walk.
'Alex..' I said.
'Yeah?' He said.
I wanted to ask him why he was so nice to me when everyone thinks I am a lesbien and a freak..
'Nothing..' I smiled.
'Okay..' He smiled back and he walked away.
I took a long breath in and exhaled.
Oh well..
As long as I have myself, I'm alright...
to be continued...
okay